I don’t expect you to understand me. I don’t expect this to be an easy to read.
I write this because I love you. I must leave everything, I’ve known and cared for, behind.
I hope you understand that it was never about you. You were a victim of friendly fire and I must live with the fact that it was me who pulled the trigger.
I can try to explain it but there are no words to describe what I see and feel on a daily basis. My addiction is real. It’s unlike any other natural or man-made drug that exists. I pretend to be ok. I pretend to feel and act “normal”. I don’t even know what that word really means.
The truth is, I haven’t been “normal” for a very long time.
My emotions no longer have filters. From one moment to the next, I can feel myself changing and there’s nothing I can do about it. I’m desperately trying to cage the animal I know I am… the animal I know I can be. Daily, I do everything in my power to contain it. I feel afraid that one day, I won’t be able stop it from breaking the cage.
My soul is empty. I feel nothing and can cut anything and anyone off from my life in a heartbeat. My detachment from society is my own civic duty to protect people from myself. I don’t want to socialize. I don’t want to talk. I don’t want to listen and I don’t want to hear people complain about first world problems.
Everyone focuses on what they don’t have instead of being happy just to be alive.
I can’t control my heart from loving people. Family, friends, relationships… I can’t help myself from feeling love. But I also can’t control the hate I feel inside. It’s like having two beating hearts in one body, constantly filling you up with love and hate. Sometimes, it just feels like you’re going to explode.
And when you do, it’s those around you like family, friends, and relationships that suffer the consequences. They become casualties of your inner war.
I know I’m living on borrowed time. I know I shouldn’t be here. I cheated death and it’s only a matter of time before she comes for me. When she came for me before, I defied her. I fought hard and I won to continue living. But I know that’s not the last I’ve seen of her. She’ll be back… and I’ll be ready once again to keep fighting.
So, fuck you Death… I’ll be waiting.
Because my soul feels empty, I don’t want yours to feel same. I want your soul to be filled with love, laughter, joy, and peace. I don’t want to be the dark cloud that covers up your sunshine. I don’t want to be the constant storm that ruins your day. I want you to be bright and shine like an exploding star.
I want you to grow and be more beautiful than ever. This is my gift to you. This is me showing you how much I love you. I go because I don’t want to destroy the only things I still care about.
Combat and killing are complex. At first, you can’t believe you did it and then you just don’t think of it at all. It becomes easier and more cynical. You feel nothing and laugh at destruction. You don’t even realize you are now the monster that hides underneath the bed.
In truth, this could be anyone of us. You don’t have to experience combat and survive to feel this way. It could be anything. Divorce, financial issues, current relationships, bad health and so on. I just want you to get a hold of it before it’s too late. Before you can’t come back from it.
I can’t give you any answers. I just know I take it day by day and continue to live the best I can. Heal your soul before it’s too late and live your best life. You only have one to spare.
Make it count.
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