I used to think I was an introvert. As it turned out I just needed to discover my people.
I still encounter all the introverted issues. I despise talking on the phone. I always think social functions sound fun when they are two-weeks out, then when the day arrives I really don’t want to go. I am restless when I’m in conversation with people I don’t know well. Large crowds don’t bother me much. I can blend in. Or leave. No one will notice. But if it’s just one or a handful of people, I’d usually rather be anywhere else. After working a few days in a job that requires me to be “on” and social- I am exhausted from the interactions. I just want to be alone.
I thought this was part of me.
I thought being an introvert was just an aspect of my personality.
I thought it was all internal, perhaps a character flaw that I needed to "work on".
I was wrong.
As I began to shift my philosophical outlook on life, around the age of 32, I began meeting people who shared some of my new-found values. Funny. I’m 42 as I write this and it’s taken me all this time to realize that when I’m around these folks...
...I’ll occasionally talk on the phone (and enjoy it?). I look forward to spending time with them, even right up to the moment we are together. After spending time with them, days- even weeks in a couple of cases, I am not socially fatigued. I don’t want the engaging conversations to end. Afterwards, I’m energized.
It’s not just me.
The Power Of Association.
“They,” say that you are becoming like the 5 people you spend the most time with.* I agree. We see it in children very easily. Little Blake down the street has a quirky habit and poor unassuming Billy starts playing with him every day. Within a few days, Billy has adopted the same quirky habit.
How many times did your parents try to persuade you to disassociate with that one friend who was always causing trouble? (Maybe you were that friend that other parents were warning about.) We pick up the traits of those around us. We move to Texas and before long we’re saying Y'all as if it’s a word. Live in Portland Oregon too long and you’ll probably start enjoying micro-brews eventually. “Peer pressure” sounds like an ominous attack from your friends. In reality, we tend to just subtly rub off on one another - no pressure needed.
Look at the people you spend the most time with. Do you look up to them? Do you share their values? Do you even know what their values are? Are they going the same direction in life that you would like to go? Don’t for an instant think that you are immune from the power of association. You aren’t. If everyone you work with sucks, you need to start planning your escape now. If your friends are all struggling with their relationships, finances, health, and happiness - run! Of course, I’m not suggesting you abandon your friends in times of need. I’m saying if you are able to recognize chronic patterns throughout your relationships that are the very same things you struggle with yourself- you will likely never overcome them until you are willing to change your circle of influence.
Sometimes that means disassociating from family. I know many of you may disagree with the above paragraph, and even more will disagree with the last sentence. Sometimes the truth hurts. But I’m telling you the truth now. If you have sick relationships that end up causing a fight every holiday - then stop going. If your family member has a chronic habit that you would like to avoid, then don’t spend time with them. Or at least if you do, don’t be surprised if you find yourself stuck and struggling to overcome the habits that the rest of your family displays. It’s likely not genetics (although some things certainly are). It’s often learned behavior.
Choose Your Family Wisely
We may not be able to choose our family, but we can choose the people we adopt as family. For most of my life, I made this choice almost at random, based solely on whether I “liked” the person or not. The problem is, I like most people when I first meet them. I know- you thought introverts just hated people. Not true. I love most people. I just get exhausted trying to keep up social pretenses which, let’s face it, are necessary in order to acceptably interact with most people you meet.
And that’s where my chosen family come in. I’ve connected with these people, largely through a shared set of core values. And when you start with that as the basis of your relationship, it’s amazing how fast you can form bonds. No pretenses needed, which is probably why these relationships don't exhaust me.
When Voluntaryism and the Non-Aggression Principle are already understood and agreed upon, you already know you can trust this person. Completely. You can be open and honest about any opinion, feeling, or concept, because you already know this person is not going to be personally offended, but instead, use reason to attempt to agree or dissuade. They already know that they own themselves. Your opinion doesn’t affect that. And because you know you can safely be open and honest, connection happens rapidly. You already understand a great deal about one another before you meet. And quickly thereafter, you can share enough real, raw, self, that connection or lack thereof reveals itself right away.
These people are all thinkers. All do-ers. All upwardly mobile. All accept the concept of peaceful, voluntary association. They accept that consent is the cornerstone of ethics. They advocate the win-win scenario, the mutually beneficial transactions. They are all in permanent self-improvement mode. They are growing. They are learning.
They are family.
Anam, Hank The Red, Me, and Brennon @panegyric . The ABMC 1st4
Me, Kieran @kieranpearson, Chris, Amy.
Kim, J.D.
(Notice how I'm working on my writing and content creation career and I was able to link to several of these friends' blogs, books, and music when you click on their name? There's a huge tip there. If you don't get it. Re-read this article until you do.)
If you have been struggling with one or more personal growth issues for a long time, consider looking at the circle of associations you spend the most time with. This may be your work, family, or friends. See if you can identify a common pattern. Are you and all your friends broke? Stressed? Drink too much? Do you connect on a deep, principled level, or are your friends just people you 'like'? As much as it hurts to make the decision, it may be time to change.
I hope you find your family too.
*The saying is usually expressed as, "You are the sum of the five people you hang out with most". I think the sum of a human is vastly more than this, so I like my version better.