Have you ever been asked a question that you couldn’t bear to answer honestly in fear of hurting someone’s feelings? Have you ever refrained from following your own intuition in fear that your feelings may be right or wrong? Have you ever purchased a blouse that you felt was more “appropriate” even though you looked and felt better and more yourself in something else? We have all done these things. There seems to be a sliding scale on the line between pathological liars and people who seldom lie. Studies have shown that all humans lie. In fact, in 1996 Bella DePaulo, Ph.D., a psychologist at the University of Virginia, confirmed what Nietzsche had written in 1873; lies are a condition of human life.
Some of us tell little white lies, making sure not to offend the outside world by tip toeing around people and sacrificing our own truths to save other’s feelings. Studies have shown that these people often score high on the responsibility scale as well as having a higher number of close friendships. Recently, psychiatrist Charles Ford, M.D. added depressed people to the list of people who lie less often. It seems they are less likely to deceive themselves or others and can describe and perceive reality much more accurately than their peers. On the other end of the spectrum are those who lie often. Per the research done by Depaulo, people who are more attractive, socially inclined, and extroverted are people who lie more than others and are better liars under pressure.
According to the fore mentioned examples of research you either fall into a category of being socially responsible, friend worthy or depressed (less of a liar), or socially inclined, extroverted, and attractive (more of a liar). I don’t see lying as being this black and white, I can’t imagine that you do either.
Why am I telling you this? Because I want you to really sit down and think about how much you lie to yourself and to others each day. Starting a journal or keeping notes on your computer or phone are good too, as long as you are able to keep your notes and look back upon them when needed.
The key here is to get to know yourself. Understanding why you lie and to who you are lying to, are very important. Are you lying to save someone’s feelings by saying something like, “that is the best home-made muffin I have ever tasted”, or “that dress makes you look slim”? Or are you lying about liking that movie when, in all actuality, you would never watch something like that and, in fact, watching it causes you distress? These are the kind of lies we tell when we are willing to compromise who we really are, to save face, to impress, or exacerbate the truth. More importantly, who are we telling these lies to? Is it a spouse, a friend, a hiring manager? These are the most destructive lies we can tell and the ones we are lying to, could possibly be the most destructive people or relationships in our lives.
If you are truly seeking happiness, wellness, and wholeness, you need to let your light shine. No matter the color or the intensity. Compromising yourself for the sake of others is sometimes justifiable, but rarely is it something that will be beneficial long term. The people who can live their lives and dance to the beat of their own drummer are often referred to as colorful and are loved by many. Often they are the leaders and the trend-setters, the ones that are truly admired by their peers. Not the ones who are put on a pedestal because of their wealth or social positions. You know the kind of person I am talking about. You probably know one or more of these people personally. They are the people who know themselves, seek their own truth and then share that truth with others.
If you find in your journaling that you continue to lie to a specific person or group of people, it is a sign that you really need to re-consider the relationship. Staying in a relationship that causes you to lie is not a way to wellness or happiness. This could be a job that you pretend to love, a significant other that you pretend to have things in common with, etc. The point is, you need to really evaluate your relationships and take the time to really get to know yourself. Don’t pretend to be someone you are not. By being your genuine self, you will attract the right people. It sounds cliché but it’s very true.
Be genuine get to know yourself and share the real you with the people you love and enjoy the smile that it brings to your face and to your soul.
Tina
References:
"Lying in Everyday Life." Sociable Media Group - MIT Media Lab, MIT, 1996, smg.media.mit.edu/library/DePauloEtAl.LyingEverydayLife.pdf.
Muller, Steve. Planet of Success , 20 Feb. 2015, (www.planetofsuccess.com/blog/2014/why-do-people-lie/).