Understanding women seems to be a big topic around here, so I thought I would share what I have gleaned from a life of trying to understand them. I am a man, and can claim no educational or experiential advantage to understanding the opposite sex. However, unlike many, I've never really experienced the complexity that people always talk about. This article won't help you get laid, or make women do what you want them to, but if you are in a long term relationship, it might make things easier (or less confusing.)
Women (and maybe everyone) in the modern world desire 3 things (call them Prime Motivators):
- The need for financial, physical and emotional security.
- The ability to achieve status and respect from their defined peer group.
- The ability to escape the confines of everyday life.
Add to that that women, generally would like to see these things increase rather than decrease over time. Not really that complicated.
If I were to try to sum it up in a sentence, “A woman seeks to consistently improve her feeling of security, her perceived status and level of respect, and her ability to occasionally escape the demands and restrictions of her life.”
Security, Status and Escape are the prime motivators for women. Figuring out "what women want" usually has to do with figuring out which one of these things your woman wants at that time, so that you react to it properly.
If this sounds like it's going to be a discussion of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs – that a woman first seeks to be safe, then to advance herself to a level of satisfaction with her status, then having achieved all this, seek escape for entertainment - it isn't. Because that's not true. Women individually have a different priority for each of the main needs, which varies from woman to woman, from point to point in her life and even from day to day based on her circumstances. A woman will sacrifice her safety in order to achieve escape or increase her status if that is her value at the time. She will sacrifice status for safety. Sometimes, if the world winds her too tightly, she will sacrifice everything for escape.
So how do you make a woman happy? If a woman’s prime motivators are not on the increase, she's not happy. Stagnation and decline are sources for severe unhappiness. Almost every problem she has will be traced back to a decline or failure to advance in one or more of the prime motivators . If a woman is not reacting well to you, it's likely that you are not in synch with her prime motivators. If you threaten her safety, status or prevent her from achieving escape, you are probably not going to make her happy.
Security:
A woman needs to feel safe that her situation will not substantially change, that her body, her children, her living arrangements, her access to resources will not change. If you are the man devoted to her, who listens to what she says, and provides the resources that she and the kids need, you are providing for her security.
When she complains about things being unpredictable, unstable, or crazy, complains about not having enough (without comparison to others) or how she feels uneasy, she is referencing her need for Security. If you are not respecting her boundaries, or (intentionally or not) making her feel physically or emotionally not at ease, you are not increasing her security.
The world is pretty much geared to make women feel uneasy and attack their sense of security. It's the primary way to sell things to women from makeup to political candidates. Women, quite rightly, feel that their physical integrity, financial stability, her attractiveness and her family are constantly under threat. To make a woman who has security as her primary motivator, you must reassure, support and provide for her to improve her sense of security.
Status:
A woman needs to feel that she has control over her surroundings, her sexuality, her attractiveness, and that she is perceived by her identified peers as respected. If a woman is with you because you are handsome and successful, if you are providing her with economic prosperity in a visible way, you are providing her an increased status. (And yes these women exist. I've watched Hockey Wives...) Even if you are not driving her to the high end restaurant in her new Range Rover, it's probably not a good idea to wear your tighty whities down to her dinner party and embarrass her. We are social animals, and we take our place in the pecking order seriously.
If she complains that things are shabby, that her friends are doing better, that she is unappreciated, or underpaid, that she works harder than others and gets less, that other women are bitchy and gossipy and that she does more than her share of work around the house these - are all complaints about status.
To make a woman who is concerned about status happy, you need to show how things are gradually improving, and that you are doing well in comparison to the benchmarks around you. The freedom to buy shoes that will impress her friends is not something silly or trivial (no more than your car or clubs are at any rate) because at the end of the day, the one at the top of the pecking order obtains more ability to guide the group, and every group chooses how to establish it's pecking order. This may sound shallow - but every group does it.
Escape:
A woman do her best to establish an existence that serves the previous 2 needs, and will be confined by the restrictions of the arrangements meant to serve them. Women need to feel that they have an opportunity to escape this "prison of their own making", by acting impulsively, changing her surroundings, or maybe just getting drunk and dancing.
When a woman complains that she’s bored, that she never gets out of the house, that you never have fun anymore, she wants to feel like you are dating again, that she needs a vacation or to take a class - she is looking for escape.
Women do this to feel a sense of freedom from obligation, custom and restriction. When a woman drinks, vacations, dances, goes out with the girls or "just buys the shoes" she is looking for an escape from the confines of her world. And yes, it is possible that you are part of the world that she is attempting to escape. It may not mean that she doesn't love or respect you, but needs a break from what you represent. You can either support her in this by allowing her to escape, or being the escape - be impetuous and surprising, and break her routine. She may need this.
However....
There is no way to predict what her relative value for each of the motivations will be at any given time. Only by listening to what she is saying and interpreting the context will allow you to understand which motivation she is working towards at the time.
Example:
Your wife says to you, “I need a new car.”
This statement needs some unpacking. Dig for more information before you react. The best way (I've found) is to respond neutrally, “What are you thinking about that?” Her next words will provide you the context.
If her situation is such that she has a ’82 Sundance and it broke down making her late for work, this is a Security issue. Her access to reliable transportation is threatened, and needs, in her mind, to be addressed.
If her situation is that she has a 2012 Lexus Hybrid, and she says that “My friend just got a 2017 Porsche SUV, which is so much more comfortable and practical for carrying around the kids things…” her motivation is status. She now feels that her status has been diminished within her perceived peer group, that she is perceived as less successful due to her dated car, and is seeking to reclaim that status through conspicuous consumption.
If her situation is that she drives a minivan, and she says, “I just want to drive something fun again, like I did back when we met. Remember the little Miata I used to have before we got married?” She is looking for escape from her life and the confines of your life.
Rarely are things so clear, or cut and dried - but the example stands – generally a woman’s desires and perceived needs are tied to a specific one of the three motivations, or some combination of them, and to deal with it you need to understand which motivation is at play - Making an appeal to the wrong motivation will often be worse than doing nothing at all.
What if you get it wrong? Well that makes things a lot worse. Telling a woman that is focused on status that her car "has a lot of good years left in it" further attacks her prime motivator. It suggests that you really are worse off and she just has to "make due." If security was the motivator that answer would probably not make things worse. But with status it is the worst thing you can say, because it invalidates her need without addressing the thing that she cares about.
Interchangeability
The best thing about a motivation centered understanding of women is that, in general, the specific factors within a motivation are interchangeable. If a woman has an issue with security, anything that improves her security will help her to feel better, not just the issue that is currently at hand. The same goes for status and escape.
A woman’s level of satisfaction on any factor is the sum total of that factor rather than individual items within that factor. In our example, a woman feels a decrease in her relative status due to a friend getting a new car. She is disappointed because her success is challenged. You respond, “I wonder why she’d bother replacing her old car with that gas guzzler rather than going on a vacation like we did. I don’t understand her priorities. Maybe she’s just showing off?”
This will likely make her feel better because it shows that by another relative comparison measure (vacations) her status is better and it indirectly challenges the value of the comparison itself (bad for the environment, conspicuous consumption). Her status is preserved as superior because cars don’t matter and vacations do, and the new purchase actually diminishes the status of the friend.
Her need for a perceived increase in status is satisfied, even though she doesn’t get the car she overtly is asking for. You didn't fool her, or manipulate her - you addressed the real motivation of her discomfort. Mind you if she does have a '82 Sundance, you should probably plan on buying her a new car - because that car is crap.
Constant Improvement
The other key to understand is that women need a constant level of perceived improvement. A woman receiving a 25% raise last year, and a 0% raise this year will be much less happy that a woman than a woman that receives a 10% raise last year and a 12% raise this year. The total money itself is immaterial - it’s about the feeling that things are trending better rather than worse. As long as the amount meets a minimum threshold for perceived improvement, it’s usually good enough. And if for any reason the trend were to reverse itself, however minor the change, a woman will be less happy.
To best utilize this, do not make large improvements in any of a woman’s prime motivators. Instead, opt for small and continuous improvements to the items that she cares about, so that she perceives improvement over time.
Example: A woman says, “This relationship is going nowhere. I’m wasting my time. If we’re not getting married, we should break up.” You respond, “I don’t even know how to buy a good engagement ring.” She is likely to be happy with this response because it shows a general trend in the desired direction (to improve her security and status) rather than a decrease. Rather than giving in on a major demand, give in on a series of minor concessions, even if you don’t object to giving in on the major demand.
By lengthening the period of general improvement, you increase the chances of a woman feeling more happy for a longer period than you would by just acceding to her demand. A woman getting a spike of success in a particular factor, followed by a period of perceived downtrending of results will be really unhappy despite her initial success.
The Filter
If a woman is talking to you and you dig deeper, filter what you hear through the trinity filter of security, status and escape, you won't likely find much that doesn't fit these motivations. Before you respond to a woman’s concerns, demands or worries, it’s best to understand which of the motivations she is currently working on, so that you are in the right frame of mind to address it. When you do engage her about her need, you you should be engaging about the correct motivation, and are offering continuous improvement to her situation.
Your results may vary. Good luck and listen hard.