I actually got a "real gig" for the day, but GODDAMNIT is it boring as looking an old man doing a crossword puzzle. AARRGGHGHHH!
Fun fact: 'GODDAMNIT' is an anagram for 'DOMINATING D'
I started copying the questionnaires which, only God knows why, could not have been done straight to the web because it would've been too "inconvenient" with smart phones or something. Dumb, but whatever.
Soon, filling the same thing over and over again began to taste like ass and I got an PTSD flash back to my high school days when I had those obligatory tasks that I just couldn't start. An invisible wall stopping me from acting while staring at a blank page. My reason is telling "you must do this", but not a finger sways for an effort.
This felt similar when compared to the symptoms of having an ADD (attention deficit disorder) which I had suspected of having. But I never really believed so. School just seemed wrong, excluding art subjects when I could actually do whatever I wanted. Maybe I'm coming up with lousy excuses, I reckon that's probably how it sounds, but fucking hell if everyone had the exact thing going on as I had, they were freaking good at hiding it. Actually, no. If everybody was like me back then nobody would've given any damn because the school would've been filled with phlegmatic time wasting dreamers which (spoiler alert) wasn't the case.
I cannot help but feel like having AD(H)D is a fine line drawn in water. Do creative people have attention disorder, who just ache in the stiff bench an hours end for their minds are restlessly seeking something else than on hand at the moment? Should one be able to focus on a given task for long periods of time no matter the quality of it?
The abnormal functioning or structure of the brain in "real" AD(H)D is observable but then again, is it only the manifestation of neurological diversity which is actually an advantage by adding more "brain power" and possible alternative views for a solution.
But of course school doesn't like the guy who in math class figures out some pattern and would like to try it in practice on canvas, or gets an insight from the human body's ecosystem which could be applied to some philosophical theorem about society making it more understandable.
Nah, meth stays in the chemistry and while discussing real math we stay with logic and numbers.
But as of today I'm much better at directing my focus. Also, I can be lousy as fuck with my job because I basically have an infinite amount of time (4 months of service consisting of nothing that my absence would affect). So, having the ability of being an inefficient worker, I browsed Steemit and chatted in Steem.chat - like every other work day. That's probably the only way I have been able to tolerate the life I have right now. Don't know what I'd do if I was alone all those days.
Anyhow, I decided to take a cup of coffee to get me through the boring existence my mind so resentfully rebelled against. (I usually don't drink coffee.) I took couple of sips and a moment later I had an extremely weird dissociation attack. Like when I looked at my hands they didn't feel my own, feeling like I was in a 3rd person despite being in the first... It's hard to describe and understand if not experienced by one's self. Don't know where the fuck that came from, maybe my brain tries to protect itself from the world or something... Maybe it also had something to do with it that I had only ate an apple earlier.
Getting back home I felt extremely lousy. I even played a few games of Rocket League - it's been a long time since I have played anything with my PC while being alone.
I also picked kantele on my hands, which I hadn't done for over a week, but even that felt like a flat tire :( Another past flying passion? Fucking fuck I paid a good buck for the thing. sigh... Well, let's hope another day gets it going.
I thought I might brake my '1 post a day' routine which has formed kinda by accident. But nah, had to write. Even while playing I couldn't completely shake off the thought "I should write". Is there a name for this condition?
Maybe, but more of that later.
PS. The headline doesn't have to do with anything, my friend just came up with that some time ago so credit to him.
TL: 112 Days
Today Left of service
My Civil Service #1: Explaining the Liability to Military - A necessity for national defence with the cost of human rights?
My Civil Service #2 - First week in the education center - The worst is already behind
My Civil Service #3 - The civil service center in the middle of a peaceful countryside
My Civil Service #4 - Mindfully increasing my life saving skills
My Civil Service #5 - I FOUND A SERVICE PLACE - The civil service center in the middle of a peaceful countryside, PART 2
My Civil Service #6 - An end with a new beginning
My Civil Service #7 - First week in the work service
My Civil Service #8 - My service was found precious right in the beginning
Lecture from a REAL PRISONER - My Civil Service #9
Extreme Mood Swings - My Civil Service #10
My Civil Service #11: I May Have Discovered My God
So You Want A Smile On My Face? - My Civil Service #12
The Best Day So Far | A Potential Career Choice? - My Civil Service #13
How to Pretend to Be Busy, Without Pretending - My Civil Service #14
How big of an existential crisis can one job cause me? - My Civil Service #15
Back to the mundane... NO! ADVENTURE TIME! - My Civil Service #16