Lately, it seems like my post titles have a recurring word over and over: The word "again".

Now I'm not going to go deep on the implications and oversimplification of using the word "again" so much that my life seems to be on a loop lately and so far, this year has had no new experiences for me.

I'm not gonna go there because it's far more complicated than that and it not only speaks about that intrinsec loop behind ones actions and at the same time, it's a bit more complicated. After all, it's one's life, not a bag of chips.

The point is, 2019, while being an ok year for me with literally no major negative experiences, setbacks or problems whatsoever, it also hasn't been a challenging one. I haven't put myself to the test this year, not a single time - except if you count stopping smoking and excercising daily - I've fallen out of my comfort zone or felt like I needed too go the extra mile to achieve something.

Truth is, getting older and more experienced has a lot of influence on feeling like this. A few years ago, at least five or six things/moments/situations I've lived this year would have stressed me out, gotten me out of my comfort zone and represented a huge challenge.

Today, those things are just another experience.

Now, I'm not saying that I'm above stress or nothing represents a challenge for me. I'm not under a delusional belief that I mastered life experiences and I cracked the secret to make every zone a comforting one.

But one thing is certain, few firsts are left for me.

And the real problem is, I love firsts. In fact I crave them. I miss those stomach butterflies when you're about to do something new; I want to feel again the pre-stress you get when you're about to head into the unknown. You know that feeling you get in the first day in a new school or how your body feels when you're about to jump from a plane for the first time?

That thrill your body and mind feel, the absolute state and mindset of uncertainty your brain experiences the few moments before starting something you've never done before, it doesn't matter if it's going to a boys and girls party or heading by yourself to a country where you don't speak the language and you don't know anyone else.

For me it's simple. Repetition is boring. But not repetition in what we do, but repetition in how we feel about it. Feeling you're in a loop is one hundred times worse than being in a loop but not noticing you're there.

You see, it's not what or how you do it, but how you feel about it when doing it, what gives you the chills, imposes the thrills and brings in the butterflies.

I'm in northern Europe again. In a country I don't speak the language. Staying with someone I met before and had a thing before. Wanting to travel Europe the backpack style. Writing on Steem as much as I can. No money problems but no room for luxuries. No reasons to worry but also no challenge in what I'm doing.

Hell, this might as well be November 2017 and I wouldn't notice it.

The difference is, back then all of this was new. All of it.

Now, it just feels like a cheap knock off. Or maybe like when you watch a TV show you used to love while growing up and now, you realize the graphics were crap, it had a lot of nonsense and all the magic it made you feel is not there anymore. Like meeting a crush.

Have you ever met a crush in real life? It's usually disappointing. You build up so much around this person and give them traits they don't have, idealising them and the potential relationship you could achieve with them if the world was pink and everything went as you want it to.

Now I'm not saying I'm disappointed in where I am right now. It's not just what I expected at all. But the truth is, I don't know what I expected. Perhaps I was waiting to feel excited and looking forward to this new mini adventure but now that I'm living it, it doesn't feel like and adventure at all, it's more like a dull tramit, a government paperwork you have to go through before getting the god stuff.

So now, and for the past three months, I've been on a loop and I'm just realizing it right now.

I'm not sure what's next, but I have a few ideas.

I got my signs back in the Caribbean, I know why I'm in Europe. What I don't know is what for.

But hey...

I'm back in Europe, yet again.

_{That picture wasn't taken in Europe, obviously. This picture is just the last good picture of me enjoying the Caribbean weather.}