Uhh, hello there.
Yeah just go ahead and have a seat I guess.
Sure.
So now that you're here I got a question for you: What if I told you something you didn't want to know?
I'm not going to, I just wanted to ask you that particular question for no particular reason.
Now let me ask you another: How does that make you feel?
Are you confused now?
Maybe a little bit uncertain about where I'm going with this and why I'm even bothering?
Did I catch you off guard?
Well good, that's exactly what I was shooting for.
Don't look at me like that you're not getting any sympathy from me.
That's what you get for waltzing in here right when the clock's striking nine even though I already flipped the sign around so it says CLOSED.
Yeah.
Confusion upon thee, all of it right now, and uncertainty as well.
Just because I haven't locked the door yet doesn't mean I'm not gonna give you shit for straight up implying that your time is more important than mine by strutting yourself all up in here like that and acting like you didn't notice the closed sign.
Fuck no I'm not gonna let you order anything and I don't even care if you're here to buy the whole fucking establishment for that matter.
It's 9:01pm, we're closed, end of story.
No sale.
Last call was thirty-one minutes ago which means you're thirty-one minutes late.
Might as well have been thirty-one years late cause you're not getting shit outta me.
Put away that fat roll of hundreds right the fuck now I don't want a single one of them.
Not a single one, you hear me?
You can sit there all fucking night pointing at all the shiny bottles you want me to pour you five fat fingers out of and whining about how totally starving you are for a big plate of loaded nachos but guess how much of what you want you're actually gonna get?
Fucking absolutely none of it, that's exactly how much.
Yeah.
Hey wanna know why I'm not gonna serve you anything even though I can tell you really, really want to order a whole fucking lot of food and booze and would obviously pay top dollar for the opportunity to do so?
Because it's nine fucking oh two PM and we're closed goddammit, that's why.
Didn't you hear me the first time?
Well then why'd you just sit there staring at me like everything coming out of my mouth is some kind of horseshit foreign tongue to you?
Not everyone is just gonna roll over and let you do whatever you want just because you look like you're carrying around enough cash to just go buy a new fucking car every time the one you're driving gets a little low on gas.
What the fuck is wrong with people like you anyway?
You rich entitled pricks are all the same.
Actually you know what, fuck it, that was really rude of me. This whole thing has just been one huge rude rant and I apologize. Please forgive my abrasive language. It was a really fucking long day and I'm just really wiped out that's all. I'll get started on those nachos right away but first let me mix you a quick drink. You like whiskey? Sweet. This one's on the house man. It's our own unique twist on the old-fashioned, except we swap out the bitters for a bit of locally sourced iocaine powder. This is some real good shit man, believe you me. Been getting rave reviews up and down this whole valley. What? You've seriously never heard of iocaine before? Oh my fucking god are you in for a treat! Cheers man, and welcome to Colorado!
