Spoiler Warning! This is a short graphical story about Rex and his adventures. The subject matter within is meant for an immature audience with a good sense of humor (seriously, probably not suitable for kids under 13). These are real graphics from Xenoblade Chronicles 2, and I have not edited them (much). The story below may or may not be related to the actual gameplay storyline.
Episode 8: Hello Kitty, So Unwitty
A Xenoblades Chronicles 2 Short Story by @creativetruth
When we last finished, Rex and Pyra were hitting things off nicely after landing on a deserted jungle paradise. Their luckdragon took a mortal blow, and instead of dying, he evolved into a mew, and now he lives inside Rex's helmet, which he uses as a pokéball to house the little runt on his back. The little Lorax talks like Danny Devito now, and he is becoming a very pesky backseat driver. Even Lyft has him blacklisted for his snarky reviews on Yelp.
The team was also reunited with their former groupie, Kat. She is a furry who travels around with an albino liger (half tiger, half lion) who talks like Mr. Belvedere. The little Apple Dumpling Gang fried some frog legs for dinner, and it had a deplorable aftertaste. They decided to settle down for the evening, and that is where our journey begins.
As Rex dreams of fame by trending on dlive and Kat dreams of chasing butterflies through meadows of catnip, Pyra sneaks off into the darkness to take another dip in the hot spring.
Skulking up in the trees, the little one, unaffectionately nicknamed "Gramps" descends and confronts Pyra.
Gramps: Listen Chica, we gotta talk.
Pyra: Oh? Is something on your mind?
Gramps: Let me make myself crystal clear. That little boy blue back there, I've raised him since he was in diapers. If you break his tender little heart, I'm going to make your life a living hell. See I've got friends that can dox you so bad, when their done digging dirt on you and roasting you alive on Sally Jesse Rafael, you'll be exiled to the Phantom Zone. You catch my drift?
Pyra: There is something very special about him. He still wears Spider Man underwear.
Gramps: His lucky drawers.
Pyra: When I was a child, I used to wear Rainbow Brite panties. When I wore them, I thought I could shine my light into the darkness and nothing could stop me. Slowly the darkness corrupted me with promises for fame and money, and I would post snapchat photos of myself wearing teddies and g-strings. I gained followers, but it wore down on my integrity over time. All I ever wanted was a true friend I could devote myself to, body and spirit, but all I ever got was followers who liked me for the wrong reasons. Rex... he's not like that. I think he respects me for who I am on the inside. At least, I hope he does.
Gramps: That's nice, with all the tender moments crap. Here's the facts of life. The poor kid lost his mother and father a long time ago, and I'm the closest thing to a family he has left. He's never had a girlfriend before. He doesn't understand the mood swings, cheese cravings, shoe obsession, spa treatments, or the passive aggressive games women play on their men after they realize they've fallen head over heels in love.
Pyra: Rex is an innocent boy. The last thing on Earth I would do is take that innocence away from him. Rex and I... I know we are going to become best friends, bosom buddies, maybe even soul mates one day. That's all. One question though... if he sometimes likes to rub his hands though my bustier, is that okay?
Gramps: As long as he keeps Peter Parker between you and him until he's 21, we're good.
Pyra: Good.
Meanwhile...
Kat: What were you doing under that blanket? You kept calling out, "Pyra! Pyra! You're so hot, hot, hot. You're on fire!" Are you some kind of pervert? I need to know right now, before I spend another second sharing the same air as you.
Rex: Oh that? Remember that fight we had earlier with Mr. Toad? Well I hurt my back, and Pyra gave me some Bengay. It started burning, and I must have been talking in my sleep. Happens all the time. One time at band camp--
After an awkward first night's sleep, The Littles scamper through the jungle searching for signs of civilization. They manage to find a path that is ancient, yet well traveled. Kat claims there is a happenin' town up ahead.
But first, they must scale the Cliffs of Insanity.
Rex scales the vines with ease with his lithe frame and tireless youth.
Kat: Faster!
Liger: I thought I was going faster!
Kat: You were supposed to be this Colossus. You were this great legendary thing, and yet he gains!
Liger: Well I'm carrying two people, and he's got only a mouse.
Kat: I do not accept excuses! I'll just have to find myself a new giant cat, that's all.
Liger: Don't say that. Please?
They finally reach the top.
Rex decides it is time to have a major intervention with the newest Power Ranger.
Rex: It just occured to me. Yesterday, weren't you best buddies with those two buttnuggets, Jinger Rogers and Midnight Mal? Remember? The two RuPaul Drag Race rejects who bought me through a child trafficking slave ring, and then tried to rape and kill me after they promised me a lead role in a music video if I would wait for them inside a bathroom stall? Maybe it's you who shouldn't be allowed to share the same air with me. Maybe we should end this right now, once and for all. I challenge you to a Thumb War!
Kat: I know, I mean... I didn't know they were going to do any of that. They also tried to kill me, remember?
Rex: No. I think I missed that part. (Oh good grief... here we go. Turning the tables on me with #metoo again.) I seem to recall it was ME who had the katana shoved through his nether regions and into the heart.
Kat: Those two bullies were like brothers to me. I used to find them the most promising young proteges, so we could train them to become future runway stars. They never gave me any credit. It was always about the boys. What about me? Am I not pretty enough? Am I not the right gender? Am I uncool just because I prefer the company of men who walk on all four legs and wear furry pajamas? All men are sexist pigs, as far as I'm concerned. Yet, I needed them in my life. I can't explain why. Everybody needs someone to love them. I just wanted them to love me. They didn't. In the end, they ran me off that barge like I was excess garbage.
Pyra: That's so sad. I know exactly how you feel.
Kat: You do?
Pyra: Oh yes. One time I invited the men's lacrosse team to my birthday pool party. They all gave me wonderful gifts. Bikinis, panties, bras. After I changed into all of the various outfits, they had a whole collection of photos to post on Steemit, and they didn't even tag me. I felt used.
Kat: That isn't even the same thing!
Rex: Look, I can see the city lights from here.
Kat: Yes, that's the town right over there.
Kat: Oh hold on, can you guys take a photo for me? I always wanted to get a photo of myself here, next to the unicorn rock.
Kat: Kiss the kitty! Dat's a good unicorn!
Kat: You guys are going to love Gormott. It's got a boardwalk, wind power, dance contests, and an open bar for all ages.
Rex: Finally! Music to my ears.
Kat: Just think Bourbon Street, only better!
Kat: Nobody ever sleeps. They're always partying. I love this town. And I'll have you know, I have quite the reputation here.
Pyra: ... (Why does she talk so much? She has no idea why she has no real friends, does she? So she makes up stories to make herself sound more important than she is. I pity her.)
Kat: Furries are a big deal here. Everyone takes after me. I--
Rex: Hey bartender! I'll have uh-- a Bloody Mary! Yeah, and Sex On the Beach for the lady.
Kat: ... (Missing posters? Reward?)
Kat: ... (Ugliest excuse for a cat I've ever seen. Those other posts look a lot like Mal and Jinger.)
Rex: Hey Kat, what would you like me to order you? It's on me.
Kat: Wait, just a damn minute here!
A blood curdling scream shreds through the distant glee.
Kat: This portrait makes me look like... like... a MONSTER! Inconceivable!
Kat: The artist is clearly misleading the public. They didn't get my facial tattooes right. They exaggerated facial fur, so it looks more like a billy goat. They didn't get my filed teeth right. Worst of all, they reconstructed my snout from prior to my plastic surgery. Do these look like anger lines over my eyes to you? They are laughter lines.
A feral growl reverberates behind her lips.
Kat: LAUGHTER LINES!!!
Liger: Fear not M'lady. Perhaps someone here will help us to have your portrait redrawn. I believe there are many talented artists who would be happy to lend us their skills.
Kat: I know that, but this damn poster is attracting the attention of the whole damn town! Why couldn't they have just hired a decent artist in the first place? They could have hired an artist like @sireh or @aurah. Even @rambai and @pricasso would have tried to make me look better than that.
Pyra: Oh my god! She's foaming at the mouth.
Rex: Whatever you do, don't look directly into her eyes.
Thanks for reading my story. Please follow me if you want to read more about my adventures.
Next episode, Simon Cowbell hosts Dancing With the Tzars. This show is sponsored by Blitzkrieg Fitness, the masters of developing the ultimate set of Third Reich Abs.
Only time will tell. You'll just have to tune in and find out how weird things can get in the next episode of the Xenoblade Chronicles 2.
Check out past episodes if you want to catch up on what you missed.
Episode1 - Heads up, in the clouds
Episode2 - The Talent Audition
Episode3 - Teenage Mutant Ninja Squirtle
Episode4 - Plumbing the Pipes
Episode5 - Steem Green Dreams
Episode6 - Revenge of the Cisgender
Episode7 - Ain't Gettin' to Heaven
