Everyday it feels like I wear my skin, and by that I mean my skin feels too big for me. Like it is just a size too big. But oddly enough, I don't feel myself clank around inside. I don't bobble back and forth. I don't hit my head on my exoskeleton. Instead, its like a giant air cushion surrounding me. A layer of nothing between be and everything. I am completely encapsulated in a bubble within myself.
Now, living in this skin bubble is odd. I feel all the sensations around me, but they feel so far from me. Touches don't feel quite like touches, they are more like when someone passes by just too close and the brush of air hits you. If I hold something for too long, I will not be able to feel it in my hand. Its as if it molded to become apart of me, my brain just stopped registering it. The clothes that I wear become apart of my body.
In this bubble, I have a hard time with emotions. I don't know why but everyone feels distant too me. Everyone feels like an actor acting out a role. Its like they are following cue cards and I'm the only one who can't see them. I feel out of the loop and far away from people. And despite that feeling of being pushed out, when ever I'm invited to do something, I look for a way out. I don't want to see the actors in their play putting on faces. In the end, it really only makes me feel more withdrawn. It only makes me feel more like I don't understand who they are and what they are feeling.
Another thing I find my self doing a lot is just staring. I stare at nothing for long moments, not knowing how much time has passed. I stare at nothing, thinking about mostly nothing. I just look at things. I get lost, I space out, and I stare blankly at what ever is in front of me. So much of my day is wasted just staring into nothing.
Wearing my skin that is too big makes me feel like I don't feel. I makes me feel like nothing is truly real and that I don't truly exist. Wearing my skin that is too big makes me feel as if my just this observer watching a really bad sitcom from a really bad seat. I don't understand the humor, I don't understand the plot, I don't get the tear jerking scenes that pull on the heart strings, I don't follow any of it. I feel like I'm suffocated in this bubble where I can breath with perfect ease. Everyday I wear my skin, but maybe in the end, it wears me.