I found the reason to sin...
As I took position before the camera, I realised that I had not gotten to where I want to be in life, but I had begun to attain. As the camera clicked and its light flashed, capturing my olive skin, I reassured myself and every doubt was erased. My career was enough justification.
"Yes, yes, that pose is just right! Your neck, up!" The photographer rained command poses at me, as I turned my unclad body to the side, arching my back to reveal the small of my hips. My face was facing west and my lips were parted a little.
"Magnificent! Now lie down Ebony and cross your legs, your hands should cover the small of your breasts..." I did exactly as I was told. "Be seductive, Ebony, your hands on your breasts...good, good. Your looks, fierce. Your eyes on me."
I was already used to poses like this. Usually, I lost myself to every photoshoot. It was like getting high, and drowned in ecstasy. Every camera click, every flash, brought it's own unique feeling, and fulfilment. I felt justified. As I looked at the camera and heard it shutter, I remembered my mother's voice when I told her i had been signed and taken by The Poise modelling agency. I was to be the cover for their mid year magazine. To me, it was like a dream come true, but to mother...
"Amaka, I don't like the idea of being a model" she said calmly on that night before I travelled to Abuja. "These long legs and stature God has given you, Amaka, there are better ways to showcase it, than in front of a camera and a watching audience."
Deep inside of me, I knew she was right, but that doesn't make me wrong. "That industry is not of God," she often repeated. "The people in it do not fear God!" She was at the verge of tears now, my mother. But I couldn't cry, and I wouldn't let her cry.
"I know mommy," I comforted her, while holding her hands, "I'd pray always in whatever I do and I won't let you down, i promise. I'd find an equilibrium..."
"Don't find an equilibrium, Chiamaka," she collected herself, "Make God your priority."
The next day, I had flown to Abuja to meet Miss Amanda, the agent who signed me in.
"You are a raw talent," she had said, on meeting her at the office. "A captivating beauty. And all The Poise wants is to help maximise your potentials fully while projecting your radiance to the outside world."
She had gone on and on... Preaching to me the gospel of modelling according to The Poise. Gradually, my mind began to see reasons why there should be an equilibrium, and not just a priority. I wasn't going to stop being a Christian, but neither was I going to give up being a model. There would be a balance, and deep in my mind, I did not want a situation where I would have to make a choice, for I fear what the answer would be.
"When you make the right pose, you make the right poise, Amaka." She had said firmly. "You belong to the camera, lose yourself to it."
And that was exactly what I was doing, 'losing myself.'
The last pose required to show the full of my back to camera, while I stared north, lost in thoughts, caught between regrets and fulfilment.
This is not one of the usual stories where a child has to become or do anything to bring the family out of poverty. Neither is it one of the sorority stories where a girl has to become a model to attain status and fame in the society. No. I am not from a poor family, and more than fame and popularity, I care about excellence and integrity. This is a chosen career, and with it comes fulfilment.
I am not sorry for being a model. I am not sorry for standing unclad before a man and his camera. No. I am only sorry mother, for having found an equilibrium. I do hope you forgive me, for that bit was inevitable. I have not reached, I have only attained.