who says yes, from the moment he makes his first gesture of rebellion.
—Albert Camus
I’m being pursued by the Hound of Heaven but I’ll be damned if I’m going down without a fight.
I’m tired of the celibate life and I’m going home with Rita tonight—the very girl the Lord grows silent about.
He may not like it, but I’m tired of lonely nights.
Hell, I’m entitled, aren’t I? I’m a free agent in the universe.
Ten minutes later, we’re walking under Maple-lined streets through a quiet residential neighborhood toward Rita’s flat.
“I’ve gotta roomie—she’s kinda like Jack—a real nerd. Hey, maybe we should set them up? —They might hit it off. Who knows?”
I’m listening—kinda. I’m wondering about the voice I keep hearing inside me and I’m beginning to doubt this was such a great idea.
We arrive outside Rita’s house and she turns to me and says. “You wait here, Stephen. I’ll go and convince Irene that she needs to study a few more hours in the campus library. When the coast is clear, I’ll wave you up.”
She points to an attic window. “Just watch up there and when you see me wave, come on up to the third level.”
She may as well have said the seventh heaven.
Are there levels in hell, I wonder?
I watch her lovely sylph-like figure as she melts through the doorway and I wonder what I did to deserve this gift.
Hey there, big spender.
I whirl around in the direction of the voice and there’s the girl of my dreams, standing there, her white dress shimmering in the moonlight.
“You’re real,” I stammer.
She smiles and every nuance of expression melts my heart. I dreamt of being in the moonlight with her and now, here we are.
“Well, here we are,” she whispers and gives me a trembling smile.
I feel an aching so deep inside me. I want to ask her forgiveness for being so blind and stupid and insensitive.
“I’ve wanted you my whole life,” I tell her and I mean it with my whole heart. Above us, a widow sash raises and Rita rasps in a hoarse whisper, “Hurry up!”
“I’ve go to go,” I tell my girl.
“No, you don’t—you’re better than this, Stephen.”
Every word out of her mouth is a caress.
Have you ever met someone who is so genuinely nice they make you want to cry? She made me want to cry.
“You’re right,” I tell her, “I can’t do this.”
I turn and look up at Rita’s lighted window, but she’s gone. If I walk up those stairs, I’ll make it worse. I turn back to my girl, but she’s gone.
I am a free agent in the universe.
I go home.
When I get back to the dorm, Jack’s sleeping in his Nashville Predator’s hockey shirt, snoring.
The window’s open and white curtains billow on the breeze.
I sit and stare up at the dome of the Moon.
I don’t understand what just happened. I don’t understand where my life is headed.
One thing I do know for sure and I can feel it deep within me—
In the depths of the sleeping night, my love is waiting.
She’s sheltered from storms of feverish flesh and waiting for me in her shimmering white dress.