I have been dealing with pain. And I mean, real pain. Not the mental tricks our minds play on us. And, because my physical body was in this ''real'' pain, I realized something important about myself.
I do not mind death. I do not want to die but if my time comes, I will be ready. And that is because I believe there is something behind the curtain of death. I look forward to it happening one day because I think that the next life is going to be at least as exciting as this. I want to find out, if just for a second.
Don't get me wrong. I do not want to die now. I want to live and enjoy my life in this world, will it be the only time I am on Earth or will I live multiple lives on this same planet. It does not matter. I like it here. But I am also open to other possibilities. I also do no just consider one possible outcome.
And what if I just rot in the ground when I die? What if my consciousness is gone? Pouf, extinguished. Well, I do not really believe that but even then, I will have died happy and content. I am happy with where I am now. If I look at the big picture and ignore all of the silly things that we tend to complain about, I am happy. And that is my life goal, to go out on the ninth wave. To go out without regrets. And I do not have any. Sure, I want to travel the world but I have seen wondersome places in my dreams. My brain knows how to substitute. My head tries to make me enjoy every moment.
There is always something we want. The next thing to chase after. I have that, too but I do not desperately look into the future. I appreciate what is in the present and I think that is what saves me. I like life but I also like death. I think it is beautiful, the ultimate riddle, mystery, unknown.
I will never do harm to myself intentionally but I am quite curious to find out what lays beyond. And one day I will. I hope it will be after long years but if it comes now, I do not see any problem with that. Pain shows you your real nature. It makes you think and ponder on what could be wrong. Rational and irrational thoughts rush through your mind. You consider all aspects. Realistic ones and supernatural. You suddenly become your own doctor.
I am better now even though I still feel discomfort. No, I was not drugged. No, I did not use any medicine. My stomach just had this really abnormal pain. Like cramps but worse. I could not really walk or move without a knife grazing my stomach. It was bad during the night as I could not sleep in most positions. When the morning came it was better. Not good but better. Still, it was uncomfortable to walk but I did it and now I have already been out for a walk. It was short lived and probably nothing serious. Stress, food, something. Maybe it is a root of much bigger problems but I do not think so. If it is, then, well. Let life take its course.
That is the beauty of life. When we get a choice, what do we do? Do we pump ourselves with medicine or panic? Do we try to hold on to dear life? Do we suddenly turn to a Divine Entity? Life is unhappily by most people. But still, it is something very cherished. Because of that fear. Because we should enjoy our time here. Because it is our home to some extent.
Where do we go? Should we be terrified? I do not feel afraid. I think we have been programmed by nature to want to cling on to it. By any price. If somebody attacked me, I would fight. I would fight for dear life. No other human has the right to decide my faith. But if it is the world that wants to claim my body. Back from where I came from, I do not mind. I belong to her and that is what I owe her. What I want to give her one day.
If it is my choice, I do not mind. But do not give me an illusion of choice, I am not a blind sheep and I see right through you.
I might be less active in the following days as I have some pretty huge orders being thrown my way and they are eating up my time. I am also finalizing my income to see if I have earned enough to live for the next three months and so I need to finish all my freelance orders asap, to earn that dough.
I am sorry for the skipped days. I will make it up to you in some way. My aunt also bought me tickets to go visit her so I will be gone for 11 days but I already made posts for the future and there will be at least some content while I am gone.
I know I do not say this often enough: Thank you all for sticking around and entertaining yourself with my stories and thoughts. I love it so much to have people next to me, with me. Traveling this wide ocean.
Best wishes! Today, tomorrow, and forever.
Linda