I'm awake.
The slumber that once shielded my conscience is gone and I am forced to accept that another day has dawned.
What has caused this irrational state of being? The sun filters through the leaves and extends through the windows - a gentle reminder that time is passing but this is not received so gently. Not even the curtains can shield me from the outside world. In me bubbles up the thought of having to go through the motions yet another day. Another day of the darkened crevices not holding back on their impending doom.
There are no longer any moments of sobriety. My head spins further down the rabbit hole, every muscle within me tensing with the fear that today I may just not go any further. Today I may decide that the gratification I receive is not worth the job that I do. The interactions I have is not worth the ghost of a smile or the effort of understanding my fellow human.
Drowning. Gasping for air and having water fill your lungs leaving nothing left where nothing really was. Is this the end?
The end...surely there was a beginning. In the beginning God said let there be light. But what happened from the light to now is a mystery I have yet to solve.
Maybe that is what I have to do today. Find the light. Hear the birds, see the flowers, feel the sun...not as an intrusion of life but as the ongoing light that never ceases. If one flower dies another will be there to take its place in the world. There is no loss or feeling of despondence. So why do we mourn our losses everyday?