When your heart is broken, it can feel like the end of the world. No amount of pain has ever felt so agonizing or concentrated. It's like your heart is squeezed out and you could hardly breathe.
But what if this throbbing pain and suffering are actually a blessing in the end?
I have been carrying this crushed heart of mine for twelve years. It took me 12 years before I learned and realised that there's Hope - hope that molded and changed me into a new creation.
When I was 16 years of age, I fell in love with one guy. I thought being in love with him was the most beautiful thing in the world until I felt its risks, its uncertainty, and its burden that I had to deal with for years.
But, I was wrong with my idea of being in love.
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My first love brought forth a child. I decided to keep my daughter away from him as soon as he told me "I can't do this". I knew what he meant by that. He had to let me go. He didn't want responsibilities. He's not ready yet to be a father. And so, I left their home and eventually had to raise my own daughter without his support as I didn't want to force myself to someone who treated me like a trash.
Nonetheless, it seemed to me that I didn't have enough of the pain this first heartbroken had caused me. I longed to be loved and kept searching for somebody to love me in return. I actually have been dreaming of getting married by the age of 28 as I didn't want my life to end up like that of my parents. This way of life that I've had compromised a lot of things - my relationship with my family, and myself emotionally and spiritually. I began to play people's feelings and pretended that I was tough inside.
I didn't listen to my family and still continued with my selfish desires. This brought forth a child for the second time from another man, who I thought was the answer to my broken heart. I was 28 years old this time. We fought for each other which seemed to be like the two of us against the world...
...until I found myself fighting alone..
..AGAIN!
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My dream wedding has crushed into tiny bits of pieces and the heart of mine's like a giant hole was pummeled into my chest, with no hope of repair. My dream-to-be at 28th was in fact has resulted the other way around. I experienced violence, getting hungry to death while I was pregnant, and my eldest daughter being the one who's greatly affected by this relationship's turmoil.
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Out of despair, I cried out to God and asked Him "What do You really want in my life? Why did You even let it happen again if You really love me?". But then, I still had this little hope in me that He is real. I changed my thoughts swiftly and remorsefully prayed, hoping that my relationship with the father of my second child could still be remedied. I said..
Please help me God to know what to do. If it's really meant for me to be with him for good, please help us make our relationship be better, help him decide what he needs to do for our relationship to make it right, fix everything from his past. But if he's not meant for me Lord God, I will accept Your will wholeheartedly even if it will hurt me so bad, as long as it's according to Your plan.
However, my own desire didn't occur - God's plan in my life did as what I have mentioned in my prayer.
After that prayer of mine, my perceptions in life have changed. I thought that I needed to straighten up myself for my kids and most especially for God to be my priority this time without any expectations. I began attending church and being active in a discipleship group.
Later on in 2015, I met a man from the US who would love me unconditionally. The man I'd want to be with for the rest of my life that have similar traits like my father who's known to be a God-fearing person and a selfless man.
Despite a long distance relationship, it didn't hinder us from communicating with each other everyday. Our love grew much deeper when he visited me in the Philippines and proposed to me for a wedding before my family.
Furthermore, we were able to maintain the purity of our relationship until we got married as a respect in God and His design for marriage.
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Our love for each other subsequently bore a child. We named her "Hannah" which means "an answered prayer".
Eventhough I suffered much for several years, those pains that I've been carrying for so long were all worth it and it turned out the best.
God turned my PAIN into GAIN. He gave me three wonderful kids; I gained confidence to love again and be loved unconditionally; and most importantly, I became a follower of Jesus Christ.
God turned my MESS into a MESSAGE. He wanted me to learn that I can't live my way, it must be His way; I learnt that obedience with Him is the key to have a fruitful life and for His plan to work out.
And, God turned my DOUBT into a BLESSING. I had doubts of Him before because of the numerous trials I encountered in the past which includes growing up in a broken family, the death of my father and my half-twin sisters, and a couple failed relationships. On the other hand, that tiny hope when I cried hard unto God, He eventually transformed my life into a new one by setting my heart on what was right - prioritizing straight by centering them on Christ, which is the ultimate blessing.
It is important to remember however, that looking for someone is not the answer to a broken heart. Just obey God and let Him do the rest as He's the only answer to what's missing on us. Everything else is just a bonus. Anything can happen and can be wiped away in an instant, but the gift of salvation is something that can't be taken away from those who have received it and have faith in Jesus Christ.
If you feel wounded and torn by the events of your life, turn to God so He can heal and comfort you. God promises that when we return to Him, He will heal us. - Hosea 6:1