I'm pretty sure I need to be medicated for anxiety. I've always been socially anxious, then for a good chunk of my teens and early-to-mid 20's I got to the stage where I could barely leave the house or even talk on a phone.
Slowly, over the past few years, I seemed to overcome it by myself, with no help from outside sources, but this past year it has crept back a bit.
Hands clasped tight, elevated pulse, the world closing in all around me, any noise is overwhelming, eyes judging me. Twisted gut, trembling arms, I don't feel "normal" therefore those around me likely don't see me as "normal."
I had a job interview today!
And while it wasn't my worst one ever, I really don't think I excelled at it either.
This was only my third interview in my life... my first one went great because the hiring lady was very personable, friendly, chatty, and I was able to vibe off of her very nicely. Unfortunately my availability wasn't adequate for her and so I failed. I'm sorry. I just can't do 6am to 6pm. 🤷♀
My second one was a wreck. Judging eyes, obvious distaste for me as a person, unable to form a rapport, I sat there stuttering, unable to form coherent thoughts or make legible sentences, and I left in tears.
Today's one though...
I slept on a new mattress-topper last night and I don't think my back liked it since I woke up with aches and pains. Due to the blouse I wanted to wear, I had to wear a beige-coloured bra that's too tight and exacerbated my back pain. My partner is on night-shift this week so was sleeping and unable to drive me into town so I had to walk the 4km in full make up and uncomfortable clothing in 250% humidity because I refuse to spend money on taxis (despite my partner being a taxi driver 🤣). Somehow my makeup stayed in place and didn't turn me into a ghoul.
So it was a bad start to my day and interview!
We met in a local coffee shop, with a nice, relaxed atmosphere. I was self-conscious as hell. I had ordered lovely fat-people-sized appropriate business/interview clothes from City Chic who usually use a next-day courier service... but they chose to use Australia Post instead for this order and so even though I ordered them last week, I didn't have my clothes in time. So I was not the most professional-looking. I tried, though. 😞
I found her over in the lounge section of the coffee shop and immediately I was caught off guard.
There was no, "Hi! I'm such-n-such, how are you?" ... Instead there was, "Hi! I'm such-n-such. Why do you want to be an administration assistant?"
I was not prepared. I was preparing to sit down, do the pleasantries, then get to business.
Immediately I start babbling like a lunatic.
I was the only person who bothered showing up for a job interview with her today, and I'm fairly sure I ruined this chance because I babbled, babbled, babbled some more, made stupid faces, babbled so much I'm nearly hyperventilating. Fidget, fidget, fidget. Oh god.
It wasn't on her. She was friendly and personable enough. But I couldn't get over my babbling. I couldn't calm down, take a breath, be normal.
There has to be something wrong with me. 😓
I will hold out hope that I didn't completely ruin this opportunity.
It's the perfect job. I get to sit at a desk and type up documents all day with the very, very rare phonecall and email to answer. It's mostly document creation. And it's during school hours. And I hope that she looked past my shaky exterior and saw my very capable interior.
😅
Sigh.
❤️ Thank you for reading my babble. ❤️