Last week was rough. First, Kate Spade's suicide on Tuesday. On Friday I woke up to the news that Anthony Bourdain also committed suicide. I didn't know either of them. I never personally met them, but still both deaths deeply affected me. Kate Spade was a talented designer. Her quirky, fun creations were loved by many. She made women of my generation believe that you can be professional, but also feminine with a pop of pink or some sparkly earrings. Anthony Bourdain was a talented chef, author, and a gifted story teller. After seeing him on one of his tours I became an even bigger fan. He was brutally honest and open. You knew this man had a thousand stories to tell. Both were famous. Both were wealthy. And both, like me, suffered from depression.
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I don't know when my struggle with anxiety and depression actually began. I was always considered a shy child. People were always telling me to smile more or asking me what was wrong. I wasn't unhappy. As I grew older, social situations became increasingly awkward and uncomfortable. I felt I didn't relate to other people. I kept a close group of a handful of friends. About 13 years ago I got a new job and my health insurance plan changed. I switched doctors and my new physician asked me about my mood. We discussed my bouts of depression and feelings of anxiety. He gave me two prescriptions and sent me on my way.
The first pill made my pupils so large I looked like a cartoon character. He quickly switched me to another pill.
The second pill made me so nauseous that I couldn't get out of bed. So either I don't want to get out of bed because I'm depressed, or because I feel so sick that I'm constantly vomiting. I'm a good patient, so I gave it a try for a few weeks like my doctor asked.
The third pill he directed me to take at night so that the side effects were minimized during the day. I remember being on this one for a few months, but not really noticing much of a difference. I slowly weaned myself off and at my next visit I told my doctor that I would practice meditation and start doing yoga again. Things were looking up at work and maybe it wasn't a chemical imbalance in my brain making me feel this way. Maybe it was my situation.
A few years went by and so did a few cycles of depression. Whether you believe in seasonal affective disorder or not, my moods changed by the middle of fall almost every year. Sometimes, no matter how much sleep I get, I just can't bring myself to get out of bed. I'm not lying there, checking my email on my phone, or checking my Instagram feed. I'm just lying there. Awake, but unable to do anything more.
After being involved in an auto accident where someone drove through an intersection and right into the side of my car, my anxiety got worse. I was in quite a bit of pain, and very depressed. My doctor suggested a psychiatrist. I thought I would see him for therapy and some suggestions on how to get past this. Instead, I was given another pill.
Pill number four. I gained 7 pounds in the first week.
Pill number five was amazing. My social anxiety had improved. I found myself initiating conversations with ease. I wasn't cancelling plans anymore. And my symptoms of depression were gone! I was put on a low dose to start and was doing really well. After a few weeks my dosage was increased. That's when the trouble started. When I would go to sleep I started having auditory hallucinations. I would hear sounds like the electrical transformer outside had popped. I was completely conscious because I would ask my husband if he heard these things. To him, I probably started to sound a little crazy. One night I experienced sleep paralysis. I woke up but was completely unable to move. At first I panicked, but reminded myself that it was probably just a side effect from the medication. Then my anxiety kicked in. It became one of the most terrifying experiences of my life. When I was finally able to move I got out of bed hysterical. I called my doctor the next morning and went back to the lower dose, then he changed my prescription at my next visit.
Pill number six. I couldn't orgasm. Not that I didn't have any interest in sex. It was like a switch was flipped to the off position. Nothing happening down there.
A few years passed. I stopped seeing my previous doctor and changed my primary care physician. Last year I was struggling again and my doctor prescribed a new medication. Less nausea. Few cases of sexual side effects. 30mg once a day at bedtime. I felt like a zombie during the day. 15mg - I tried this for a few months, but was still tired all of the time. I planned on stopping so I cut them into quarters so I could slowly taper off. 7.5mg. I was still feeling fine. When I told my doctor this at my last visit, he told me the dosage is really too low to be doing anything for me, so I could discontinue them. I stopped taking them a week ago. After a few days my mood has worsened. Is it truly a chemical imbalance in my brain? Or is it situational? Work has been tough lately. I've been feeling disconnected from some people. Or is it knowing that two people that suffered from the same ailment as me decided to end their lives just a few days apart?
I'm going to start taking the prescription again. Even if my doctor believes the dosage is too low to make an impact. I feel different. That's all that matters.
Admitting you have depression and seeking treatment is a struggle. I thought I was weak. I thought my spouse would think he wasn't good enough, or why wasn't he making me happy. I felt guilty. I have a good marriage. I have a good job. I own my own home. Why can't I be happy? Yesterday I read that 1 in 6 adults will be prescribed an antidepressant in their lifetime. This can't simply be a chemical imbalance affecting so many people. Could this have something to do with our culture as well?
Sorry for the long post. I haven't posted in awhile because I've been feeling I have nothing worth sharing. Nothing of value that people will appreciate. Other than my husband, I haven't opened up this much to anyone. I haven't named any of the prescriptions I've been on because everyone's experience is different. I don't want my negative experience with one drug to negatively impact someone else. That being said, the drug that seems to be helping me might not be the best choice for someone else. Keep trying until you find something that works.
If you're struggling, please ask for help. There's nothing weak about that. Check in on your loved ones. Even the ones that seem to be okay.
If you're in the US, the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is a national network of local crisis centers that provides free and confidential emotional support to people in suicidal crisis or emotional distress 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.
1-800-273-8255