There are some days where I just wake up and just lie down staring at my ceiling and just wonder how I am supposed to get through another day with just everything that's going on inside of me and around me. It just feels like there's an invisible weight that's pressing me down and that I am struggling to breathe through a very thick fog, and you see, no matter how many times I take deep breaths, it doesn't even get better, it feels as if the air gets tighter, and the craziest thing is that I cannot even point to one particular thing. It's like a really big bunch of stuff that has been piling up over time, one after the other , and now it's just all very loud in my head.
I sit and think about the decisions I made, the people I call loved ones that I let stay close to my heart, the times I should have spoken up but, me being me, I kept quiet, and even the times I acted out when I should have just let everything go. It is not like I didn't try or something, I really did try to be strong, to do right. I look back and see all these mistakes and errors, and I just feel like I could have gone back and been very careful with myself even as a teenager, then I believe it would have been better.
So two days ago, I found myself opening up to a friend. We were just hanging out, talking about life, and somehow, without even planning to, I just somehow started talking, like really talking, and this is something I have not done since everything came crashing down, all the things I had bottled up for months, years, and I was talking. I felt a shift within me, it felt like a crack in the wall I had been building around me, When I was done, I just started crying. And in that moment, I realized that I had thought that I was strong all this time. I thought hiding the pains and smiling through it all meant strength. It just wasn't strength at all it was just me running, me pretending to be okay when I wasn't. The ache, the pains , the ache I was supposed to feel I had been hiding them. I had been hiding from people, what they would say and all, and that was what made me put up the whole pretense when I wasn't really fine. Well, there was a good relief in the crying, like it was like I finally let someone see the mess behind the whole smile. It didn't fix anything; it didn't erase the pain or anything like that, but it was the first time in a long while that I didn't feel completely alone.
I know the ache is still there, the burden too, the unanswered questions also, the fear of what's next, the feeling that no matter how I try, I might still fall short ,it just follows me like a shadow, especially when I am alone. But I am learning slowly that healing isn't about having everything figured out, it's just about showing up everyday, even when it is hard to. And also, it is about choosing not to give up on yourself even when everything is falling apart around you.
I know the time to smile genuinely will come again, but for now, I will keep trying my best to just get by everyday and surely look forward to the time where theres no pain but pure and wonderful bliss.
