In the past 15 years or so, starting in University, I have struggled with what was probably depression, leading to all kind of vague complaints and a lot of dis ease. Nevertheless, there wasn't a doctor who managed to put a label on me. This didn't help much. It made me feel like a hypochondriac, more than once. And I often felt like I was exaggerating when I told people how I felt, as I wasn't noticeably sick ( aside from tiredness, almost daily headaches and chronic symptoms of a cold / the flu ) and I couldn't explain or express what was really wrong with me.
Four and a half years ago, when I couldn't stand my daily life any longer, I quit my job to spend half a year on the Canary Islands.
I can't say I was just relaxing there ( as I tried to get a feature film off the ground, in Spanish, on a shoestring budget in a place with very few people ) but, suffice to say that, since that moment, I have tried a lot of things to heal myself.
From meditation and mindfulness to moving to moving from place to place and even to another country. From daily walks in nature to trying different diets; intermittant fasting, something close to keto, a diet based on my ayurveda body type and all kinds of tweaks and adaptations to what I ate and drank. I tried several times to quit drinking coffee ( which often made me feel worse ) and I quit alcohol 5 months ago. I even tried acupuncture, twice, over the years as well as taking vitamin supplements, anti histamine tablets and, recently, 5-HTP.
Aside from all that, I listened to loads of podcasts and read many books on topics like mindfulness and taoism and so much more.
I am also working on spending more time being creative ( depression is the opposite of expression ) and am really trying to listen to my body more than to my mind.
Apparently all of the above wasn't enough. Every time I thought I was getting there, I fell down again.
I'm still struggling with my health ( with my body and mind ), physically and mentally. Every day feels like another challenge. I never know what to expect and it still feels like the waves keep washing over me on an almost daily basis and I don't see them coming, being way more often in the future or the past then being present.
I'm tired of being tired.
I'm tired of being so unbalanced.
I'm also tired of not being able to fully deal with my emotions,
Tired of not really showing the real me.
The friendly, positive, encouraging Vincent is definitely part of me but it's there way less often than I'd like to admit and it's not necessarily there for me, when I need it the most.
It doesn't help that whenever we aren't feeling well, people think you are contaminated with "The Thing" and tell you to get yourself tested.
Then, yesterday, I found the following post by @atma.love
It immediately got my attention ( not an easy thing in these turbulent times of information overload and lack of focus ). You might want to take a look at it first ( it's a short read ), before you continue reading my post:
The Presence Process, a journey into the unknown ..
To get back to the above...
I didn't mean to rant. I seriously considered rewriting all of it, as I started feeling better throughout the day. But, I want to be more open in my communication and not just use my dino 'fiction' writing as a therapeutic outlet.
The main reason of putting this post out there, though, is to ask you the following:
How do you feel?
Are you tired?
Are you tired of being tired so often?
Are you open for a challenge?
Do you believe that you can actually change and level up?
Do you feel like living more in the present?
If your answer to the above questions is mainly: "YES, I AM.", you might want to consider joining me, @atma.love , @khing.khong and hopefully a bunch of other people on the the Presence Process journey, starting very soon.
I for sure am looking forward to it. I'm already reading the book ( with the same title ) that can be found here and it instantly made me feel better. I feel like I should give this a serious try.
More info on the presence process, in case you didn't read @atma.love 's post yet, can be found HERE
The picture above this write up is one of the favorite photos I ever took, taken from a Canarian wrestling stadium ( no, it isn't some kind of rooster fight ) on El Hierro, Canary Islands, in October or November 2016. The green hill is a volcano and one of the 500 or so on this tiny island