How to Start Running Without Hating Your Life (Or Knees)

^{I like to mix running with mortal combat—hence my running nickname, 'Finisher.' Whoever tells you that label is engraved on all participation medals is a big fat liar (and probably still gasping from their first 100m).}

Some of you might not know I'm a runner. In fact, I've won several < cough > participation </ close cough > medals. Lately, I've been reading The Runner's World Complete Book of Running to up my game. Here's some brutal truths they won't tell you at your local 5K:

1. "Running Is Just Walking With Extra Drama"

• The book claims the only difference is "determination." (Translation: Suffering voluntarily.)
• Pro tip: If you can walk to the fridge, you can run a 5K. But first—medical exam. Because nothing ruins a New Year's resolution like an ER trip.

2. Your First Month: Run Like You're Being Chased by a Snail

• Budd Coates' 10-week plan starts with 8 days of walking. Yes, walking.
• Week 1: Run 2 mins, walk 4 mins. Repeat until your ego surrenders.
• Key insight: If you can't gossip while running, you're sprinting. Slow down, Speedy Gonzales.

3. Tracks > Sidewalks (Your Shinbones Will Thank You)

• Concrete is the devil. Grass is sketchy (hidden holes = ankle doom).
• Best spot: A school track. Run in the outer lanes to avoid judgment from teen athletes.

4. Your First Race? Aim for "Finishing Alive"

• Pick a flat 2-mile fun run—not a marathon. (Marathon fever kills beginners. Literally.)
• Race strategy: Start slower than a DMV line. If you feel good at Mile 1, still don't sprint.

5. The "Do's and Don'ts" They'll Ignore

• DO: Stretch. Wear reflective gear. Carry ID (morbid but practical).
• DON'T:
  • Wear headphones (cars > podcasts).
  • Run in basketball shoes (this isn't Space Jam).
  • Assume all runners are friendly (some are just lost).

Final Kick

"The only difference between a jogger and a runner? An entry blank." — George Sheehan

Translation: Sign up for a race. Then panic-train.

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Source: Runner's World Complete Book of Running (Amby Burfoot, Rodale).
The book's 10-week plan turns walkers into runners. Or at least into people who complain less while walking.

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PS: Yes, I was born in the same city as the founder of Stoicism. Coincidence? Absolutely. But while Zeno preached enduring pain with dignity, I sprint through it like a toddler chasing ice cream.