Forgive me Father, for I have sinned...
I had a coffee, today.
And, worst of all,
I liked it.
Almost 3 weeks ago, I quit coffee, the hard way, when I fell sick. More on that in hypersensitivosaurus going 'cold turkey' again
In the last 15 days or so, I had a decaf (sometimes 2 ), each day, and I ate one single chocolate bar, with a nice percentage of cacao and, apparently, caffeine, spread out over multiple days.
This morning I decided to treat myself to a small, strong coffee. I drank a lemon ( rasp ) tea, at the same time and had some bread with cheese and butter on the side.
I brought my laptop along to work some more on Hypersensitivosaurus and Cold Turkey, my book that is nearing completion, almost 2 years after the original idea came to me.
Here's a link to the original blog post, from March 14th 2021, that inspired this book: Cold Turkey on the Rocks - Shaken not Stirred
It's kind of a shame how my mood improved after this one single coffee. It's like all of my mental struggles were suddenly gone, my focus returned to me with full force and everything felt easier.
I felt happier.
It sure is an antidepressant.
And as someone who has struggled - and still struggles - with depression and tries to deal with this without meds, I am a little disappointed about this.
I am disappointed that I seem to need coffee to feel good.
Perhaps coffee is my medicine?
Kind of a shame, as I was trying to quit coffee and curious what would happen with my brain, how it would rewire in a year's time.
Would I perhaps become a superhuman, no AI needed?
Now I'm tempted to get back to a coffee per day.
This is still a lot less than the amount I used to drink, probably closer to 4 coffees or so, as I used to make coffee at home, with my percolator and drink the entire thing, sometimes in one sitting. Occassionaly, I drank double the amount or I had another coffee or two, outdoors, later in the day.
Just now, Spotify picked up on my brainwaves and picked a song out of my many, many favorites. A song titled 'Blue Chicago Moon'.
I didn't know the title, but I knew that it's from a band called 'Songs Ohio'. I am also aware that the lead singer committed suicide, years ago. You can hear the sadness and heavy emotions, whenever he sings. Love his voice though!
Here's a clip that I found of him playing Blue Chicago Moon live:
Correction. I just double checked, the guy died from liver failure ( due to alcohol addiction, when he was only 39 years old ), back in 2013. I sense that he struggled from depression too, though.
Anyhow, this wasn't meant to become a sad post, but the reason why this song got my attention, while writing all this, is because of a part of the lyrics:
"And the endless, endless, endless, endless
Endless, endless depression..."
Here's the full lyrics:
Blue Chicago Moon Lyrics
Out of the ruins
Blood grown heavy from his past
His wings stripped by thunder
But those storms keep coming back
Singing birds in sickness
Sing the same blues songs
When they fell out of the emptiness
They must have brought along
Space's loneliness
Space's loneliness
He's gotten so good at hiding it
Even he does not admit it
That glittering flash in his eyes
Makes it look like he might be alright
But if the blues are your hunter
You will come face to face
That darkness and desolation
And the endless, endless, endless, endless
Endless, endless depression
But you are not helpless
You are not helpless
Try to beat it
Try to beat it
And live through space's loneliness
And live through space's loneliness
You are not helpless
You are not helpless
I'll help you to try, try to beat it
I'll help you try, try, try to beat it
I'll help you try, try to beat it
I'll help you try, try to beat it
Oh and to get back to coffee, I was reminded, again that I have a Ko-Fi page, where you can support me with a symbolical coffee. In exchange for that, I share my creative process with you ( as I'm also doing on here ).
I was close to shutting down that page and possibly starting a Patreon instead but, as I had a coffee, again, today and this page is already there, I will probably stick with Ko-Fi for the time being.
Feel free to: 
and improve my mood, focus and energy
and, most importantly, encourage me to keep chugging along, being the best me that I can be, while I continue my ongoing creative journey...