photo source (edited through Canva)Hello, everyone! Today is Day 5 of @tegoshei's Blogging Challenge.
For today’s topic, we are going to share about our fears. I’m supposed to post this last night, but my laptop keeps on crashing, so I decided to sleep because I don't wanna get pissed off that I might throw my laptop. LOL
What Am I Afraid Of?
I’m a bit afraid of tiny crawling animals especially spiders, worms, and insects. If I see or feel something crawling on my skin, then I would automatically jump like crazy. Tell me that there’s something crawling on my head or at my back, then I’ll shout and jump crazily even though I didn’t even see or feel it. My imagination just automatically turns on and my visualizations creep me out.
I couldn’t think of something that I’m afraid of other than those creepy crawling creatures and this thing that I’m going to share here.
So, what am I most afraid of?
(I’m about to share a sensitive issue and I might give you a sad aura here, so continue reading at your own risk. And…no judgment, please).
Cannot Overcome Depression
photo sourceI’ve been struggling with depression for years now. I wasn’t really diagnosed by a psychiatrist but all the signs were there. I once thought of just seeking professional help when my suicidal thoughts will become worst. And guess, what? I’ve almost gone to a psychologist twice because it really got worst. Worse than I could imagine. But still, I didn’t go because I was thinking that I could still handle it and consultations are also expensive and I’m saving money for my family’s needs.
I’m not really afraid of death, that’s why I do extreme adventures. But if that’s the case, why am I even afraid of not being able to overcome depression? And why am I still living now?
Depression
Depression is felt because of many reasons. It may be due to a sudden loss of a loved one, a failure, or from a childhood trauma that still haunts you in the present. This is not just a normal sadness, this is something that makes you feel intense emptiness that you'll sometimes feel numb. You are alive physically, but you’re actually dead on the inside. You feel hopeless and you feel that your life is meaningless.
I’m still depressed now, but things are getting better. I was really trying hard to overcome and I did explore new things that would make me busy and give me a purpose in life. The last time that I’ve had suicidal thoughts was last year and that was the scariest moment of my life.
It happened in the middle of the night and I was about to sleep. My mind was enumerating the things that I’ll be doing the next day and I was optimistic before it happened. Then suddenly, I didn’t know what happened to me. It was the first time that I’ve heard something in my brain that tells me how useless I am, that I can’t do good in my life, no matter what I do, I’m still a loser, and I should just quit trying and die because I’m gonna fail anyway. The voice in my head was deafening.
Then a very vivid scenario flashed into my mind. When I stared at the ceiling, I saw myself hanging there. I started to have panic attacks and I was trembling. I closed my eyes and I got another vivid scenario of me jumping down the bridge, cutting my wrist, overdosing with medicines, and getting hit by a car. I decided not to stand up and just remain lying on my bed because I know what will happen next if I’ll stand up.
I wanted to cry out loud and ask for help, but I chose to cry silently because I don’t want my family to know what I’ve been going through. The only person who knows everything about this is my boyfriend and my older sister.
That night was very different. The thoughts were intense and it crept me out. I cried the whole night until I didn’t notice that I was finally able to sleep.
If my boyfriend wasn’t in my life, I think I've done it. But I made a promise to him that no matter what, I’ll win this battle and my demons' not gonna win.
photo sourceNot being able to overcome depression is what I’m most afraid of. The emotional void that I felt is something that I really want to get rid of. I don’t want to come to a point that it will become too deep that I’d just want to really quit because I feel numb and all I feel is the abyss of emptiness. That I'll be drowned no matter how I tried to swim.
I know, I’m really serious about this topic and I apologize for the depressing aura that I have given you. I'm gonna lighten up on the next topic. :)
That’s what I am afraid of. How about you? What are your fears? Join the Blogging Challenge so that we'll get to know each other more. :)
Thank you for reading and see you tomorrow for our 6th Blogging Challenge topic: "Top 5 Pet Peeves".
Read my previous Blogging Challenge entries here:
01 – What’s With My Username?
02 – Ten Fun Facts About Me
03 – My Day In Detail
04 – My Relationship
Thank you our awesome badges, bearone! :)
