For awhile now and especially over the past ten years, social anxiety seems to have been increasing in intensity and number of people affected. Many have speculated as to why this is happening. Hypotheses include:
• Genes.
• Parenting.
• Technology.
• Diet.
• Culture.
• Drugs.
• Environment.
While I have strong opinions on technology and diet, I’ll resist speaking on those topics here. In a later chapter, Parents and Teachers, we will talk about parenting. For now we will focus on how to remedy or even cure social anxiety.
Depending on your time frame, you can focus on some specific exercises in this chapter or move on to learn and practice all aspects of PEQ to find a gradual improvement in traits and skills that will decrease your social anxiety. These traits and skills include and are not limited to acceptance, courage, self-confidence, patience, and emotional awareness.
The shortest solution: Study and practice all parts of this book, read it more than once, take notes, and buy many copies. Okay, maybe not that last part.
But seriously: Studying and practicing this system, which leads to integration, will automatically relieve most, if not all, of your social anxiety! For example, in the chapter on anger, there are exercises you can do that will train your brain to realize that – usually – people are not out to get you.
Because your “cure for social anxiety” relies on a combination of other parts of this book, this chapter will take only a short dive into a few of those parts, which are addressed in greater detail before and after this chapter. For example, the chapter on evaluation will help you increase your acceptance.
How is acceptance related to social anxiety?
First, let’s be clear that I’m talking about acceptance of self and others. The more a person accepts themselves, the easier it is to accept others.
What do we want to accept about ourselves?
Our past, present, and potential future. Our feelings. Needs. Abilities. Thoughts. Behaviors. Actions.
“I did that terrible thing! I deserve punishment.”
First, remember our exploration of “deserve” back in the chapter on evaluation?
A statement combining a moralistic judgement or evaluation and deserve thinking is typical in our present retributive justice system: "He did something wrong and deserves to be punished."
But the real point here is “I did those terrible things!” Notice the evaluation there? It’s the word “terrible”. It’s the clue we are not being fair to ourselves. At the risk of sounding like a broken record, I recommend re-reading the chapter on evaluation. It’s one of the core parts of this entire practice.
The more you practice this system, the more easily evaluatory statements will stand out and be obvious to you. You will find yourself progressing like so:
“I did that terrible thing!”
That leads to “I did that thing. I’m not happy about it.” or “I did that thing. I regret it.” or even “I did that thing. I’m not happy about it because I value integrity.”
See our empathy formula in the statements above? See how this practice of gradually shifting from evaluating yourself to noticing, accepting, and eventually letting go?
Try it. Here’s the exercise:
(1) Think of something you have done in the past that you feel some shame, guilt, or regret about.
(2) Say it out loud or write it down. “I did _______________________________.” This is the observation. Remember our empathy formula? Yep, we are using it again here.
(3) Pick a harsh judgement or evaluation of yourself and include it like so: “It was terrible / stupid / lame / mean / wrong.”
(4) Read the two sentences you have created above out loud to yourself.
(5) What feelings do you have right now about what you did? Write it down. “I feel ___________ about having done _______________________________.”
(6) Ask yourself what need(s) you were getting met or what value(s) you were meeting when you did the thing. Refer to the needs list in the chapter on basics, if you need to. Was it a need for ease? Recognition? Power? Order? Safety? It can be more than one. Write it/them down. “I did that thing because I was seeking more ____________________________.”
(7) Combine the observation, feeling(s), and need(s) into one sentence. Write it down and say it out loud. “I did ______________________. I feel ___________________ about it. I had a need for _________________________.”
(8) Bonus points: In addition to what need(s) we were meeting when we did the thing, we can choose to add another statement similar to the above but with one small difference: “I did ______________________. I feel ___________________ about it. I have a need for _________________________.” The need in this case may not even change. The point is to practice shifting between past and present. And with healthy practices, repetition can be helpful.
What do we want to accept about others?
The same as what you want to accept about yourself! Their past, present, and potential future. Their feelings. Needs. Abilities. Thoughts. Behaviors. Actions.
Everything you learned above in regard to acceptance for yourself applies to – and makes it much easier to – accepting others. I’ve said this before but I’ll say it again because it’s important:
Acceptance is not agreement.
You can accept that someone did a thing to fulfill one or more of the human needs we all share and at the same time you can disagree with their way of getting the need(s) met. This is merely an acknowledgment of understanding.
What exactly do we want to accept about others?
Their past, present, and potential future. Their feelings, needs, abilities, thoughts, behaviors, and actions.
“He did that terrible thing! He deserves punishment.”
Again, a reminder our exploration of “deserve” back in the chapter on evaluation?
A statement combining a moralistic judgement or evaluation and deserve thinking is typical in our present retributive justice system: "He did something wrong and deserves to be punished."
“He did that horrible thing!” Notice the evaluation there? It’s the word “horrible”. It’s the clue we are making an assumption that we know everything and are fit to judge.
Here is a progression from judgement to acceptance:
“She did that horrible thing!”
Which leads to “She did that thing. I feel disgusted about it.” or “She did that thing. I feel disgusted because I value consideration and respect.”
Do you see the PEQ empathy formula in the statements above? See how this practice of shifting in stages from evaluating others to noticing, accepting, and eventually letting go?
An exercise:
(1) Think of something a person has done that you have strong negatives emotions about.
(2) Say it out loud or write it down. “He did _______________________________.” This is the observation. Remember our empathy formula? OFNR; Observation, feeling, need, request.
(3) Pick a harsh judgement or evaluation of them and include it: “What he did was terrible / stupid / lame / mean / wrong.”
(4) Read the two sentences you have created above out loud to yourself.
(5) What feelings do you have right now about what they did? Write it down. “I feel ___________ about him doing/saying _______________________________.”
(6) Ask yourself what need(s) he was getting met or what value(s) he was trying to meet when he said or did the thing. Was it a need for ease? Recognition? Efficacy? Order? Safety? It can be more than one. Write it/them down in a question format. “Did he do that thing because he wanted more ____________________________?” Notice we replaced “needed” with “wanted” here?
(7) Combine the observation, feeling(s), and need(s) into one sentence. Write it down and say it out loud. “He did/said ______________________. I feel ___________________ about it. I wonder if he wanted more _________________________?”
Tie it all together
How does increasing your self acceptance and acceptance of others cure your social anxiety?
I’m glad you asked! First, self acceptance. The more comfortable you feel with yourself in all the many ways we can evaluate, the less you will assume others have issues with you. You will feel more safe and free to be yourself in more situations with a wider variety of people. You are literally expanding your comfort zone.
Or just ignore all of this and travel a lot. Just kidding. Not kidding 100% because – brief side track – exposing yourself to other cultures can be a great way to increase your resilience!
Back to the point. Finally, in addition to how much self acceptance can decrease your social anxiety, if you want to supercharge your social comfort, practice acceptance of others. When you have no negative thoughts or feelings about other people or their motives, it “infects” your entire outlook. Your voice tone, words, body language, and even actions will show this! Others will find themselves more comfortable in your presence. You’ll be invited to more parties and become insanely famous! Okay maybe that last part is a potential exaggeration. Maybe not. It’s up to you! You have the power!