Being kind and helpful is generally a good thing, some can do whatever it takes to make others happy, but the majority of times, going too far to please others can leave you feeling stressed, anxious, and emotionally depleted. Talking about a pleaser involved someone who put someone's need ahead of his/her own, they are seen as being helpful and kind, however, their activity leads to a harmful pattern of self-neglect or self-sacrifice because they always have trouble endorsing for themselves and they do all this to maintain a relationship. They have been found with these characteristics:
They have a difficult time saying "no" because it makes them feel guilty.
They are drawn away with what other people might think
They are afraid of turning people down because they will feel people will think they are selfish or mean.
They do things you don't want to do or things you don't like
They'll want to earn people's approval by pleasing them.
They will always take the blame even when it's not their fault.
They pretend to agree with others even when they feel otherwise. They tend to turn into what others are feeling.
However, with all these, people will see you as a generous person, because you work to keep them happy but may leave you feeling stressed and drained.
There are reasons why they'll always want to please people :
Poor self-esteem: Due to a lack of self-confidence, they don't value their own desire and needs and they feel that doing things for others will lead to agreement and endorsement. They worry and feel that others won't like them if they don't go above or beyond to make them happy.
Perfectionism: They'll want everything to be "just so " I.e to be perfect including how people feel and think.
Past experience: people who have gone through a painful, traumatic experience or abuse may want to please others to avoid turning on abusive behavior to others. They make sure that other people want the help they need and make them feel as if they are useful and valued.
Effects of pleasing people.
Pleasing people has its effect, though pleasing people isn't a bad thing. It is always good to be caring and feel concerned about others because it's a way of maintaining a healthy relationship, but it becomes a problem when you're are trying to pursue the happiness of others at the expense of your emotional well-being. It has consequences and I'll be stating them below.
anger and frustration
it is good that you are helpful, but when you are doing things reluctantly or out of obligations you are bound to experience frustration. this might be in the process of helping someone, and you tend to feel mad at them when they take advantage of your kindness, hence, you feel sorry for yourself or regretful.
anxiety and stress
trying to manage it can leave you with stress and anxiety because you're making efforts to keep other people happy which can make you stretch your physical and mental resources too thin, and this can lead to detrimental effects on your health.
Depleted willpower
When you use all your mental resources to make sure others have what they need and you are less likely to have the resolve and willpower to grasp your own goals. You simply have little time left to devote to your own needs.
Lack of authenticity
They can feel like you're not living your life authentically, they will hide their own needs and priorities to accommodate other people and this may leave them feeling as if they don't know themselves at all.
Weaker relationships
You may find yourself feeling upset if you are putting all your efforts into making sure that you meet other people's expectations. While they appreciate you, they may also take your attentiveness and tenderness for granted. Though they might not realize they are taking advantage of you, all they know is that you are always available to lend them a hand and you'll always show up when needed without no doubt. But in all, they may not see how overcommitted you might be or how thin you are stretched.
You can't please people all the time, you have to learn how to balance your desire to make others happy without sacrificing your own, here are the few things you need to know if you want to satisfy your desire :
Establish boundaries
Be clear and specific about what you are willing to take on by knowing your limits, establishing clear boundaries, and then communicating those limits. Let them know that you won't be able to help if someone is asking for too much, make them understand that it's over the bound of what you are willing to do.
And you can also establish your boundaries by making people to know the specific period of time you'll be available because it will help you to ensure that you have control of not only what you're willing to do, but also when you're willing to do it.
Start Small
Changing behavioral patterns can be difficult, It is easier to begin by affirming yourself in a small way because it can be very hard to make a sudden change. You will not only have to retrain yourself in most cases, but you'll have to teach the people around you to understand your limits by working on them. Learn how to express your opinion when dealing with people, this will help you to gain incredible confidence that will help you to take control of your life.
Set goals and priorities
Knowing your priorities can help you determine if you have the time and energy to devote to doing something by considering where you want to spend your time, and what goals are you trying to accomplish?
You'll find time to do the things that are really important to you when you set your priorities, if something is taking too much of your time or draining your energy, take a step to address the problem.
Stall for time
Saying "yes" to everything right away can make you feel obligated. If you are being asked for a favor, tell them you need time to think about it, this will make you evaluate it and decide if it's something you want to do or not . " did I have the time? , how stressed am I going to be if I say yes? " ask yourself these questions before you take on.
Conclusion :
You don't need to give up being kind, it's a desirable quality to maintain a strong relationship but in the process of doing this, try to examine your motivation and intentions, you don't have to do things for the fear of rejection or approval. Kindness doesn't require attention or rewards, it is your desire to make things better for other people, but if this is making you to find it difficult to pursue your happiness, it is important you set your boundaries and remind yourself that you can please everyone.
Thanks for your time.
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