The weight of time travel

I have many memories throughout my life in which I find myself rewinding through my memories telling myself why I didn't do this or that. There are times when I find myself going over and over things I didn't do or didn't say and I start to feel bad, sad and this has really taken up some of my time.

Of course I am one of those people who think that being able to regret doing something that was not right is healthy to some extent, because it helps me not to repeat certain things or not to say other things because of the result they had and the guilt they caused me, but I also think that there is a point where the limits are exceeded and regret becomes a matter that you can not run away from, one brings another and then you find yourself wanting to have a time machine to change everything you did.

Living like this is quite heavy, regrets become a giant heavy suitcase that you force yourself to carry even when you can let go or even roll it. I say that from experience, I used to imagine at night how things would be if I had done what I had the opportunity to do some years ago and yes, it caused me a lot of damage. That became a habit and it didn't take long for me to experience anxiety because of the damage I was causing myself for something that was no longer in my hands to change.

Letting go of that suitcase was difficult, somehow at that moment it was part of me, I used to think that it was part of my personality and that changing it would cost me my whole life. And the truth is that's how it felt, because even without planning it, it was natural for me to travel back in time mentally and regret certain things. The emotional discomfort it caused me was pointless for me to experience, and yet I did.

Because of how it made me feel it was obvious that it was not right and that it was something I had to get rid of and this required willpower and the odd trick to trick my mind. This used to come up at night, especially when I lay down to sleep so I had to program my brain to notice what I was doing, realize and consciously change my thoughts was something that seemed to be trying to get out of a room without a door.

It was not only about consciously changing what I was thinking, but also about making a whole list of things before going to sleep, to regulate myself and be able to calm my mind as much as possible, leave the screens at least an hour before going to sleep, write a little bit about my feelings and things to be thankful for, do my facial care routine which is something that relaxes me a lot and read, always read something positive or listen to my husband do it.

It seemed like something innate, something I couldn't get out of me but all the attempts paid off because some time later, now my brain is programmed to quickly change the channel in my mind, to stop thinking things that will make me feel bad unnecessarily and instead be thankful for what brought me here. I am clear that my intention should still be to improve and be aware of what I need to improve and to what extent a regret is healthy to achieve that goal, but I no longer want to be a victim of my regrets.

Doing this has definitely made me live a little bit lighter, it feels like a big weight off my shoulders and I have been able to see things more positively. I'm not saying that my mind doesn't still resort to this, it still does it often, but I don't let it do it anymore, I don't indulge it and at least for that part I haven't experienced any more anxiety.