Yesterday I was having a conversation with my neighbour and in the middle of the conversation, I realised I had zoned out of the conversation for some minutes and had no idea what they had been describing to me in the last 3 minutes. It is easy (or at least I think it is) to look interested in whatever a person is saying and fall right back into the conversation like I didn't just replay in my mind a whole event that happened weeks or years ago. I wonder now if people actually can tell when I drift away in the middle of a conversation. I've always known I've had this problem even though I have never talked about it with anyone.
I'm known for being one to pay attention to details and take things seriously. One can easily translate this to me being an attentive person but the reality is, I'm just very good with reading attentively to gain understanding because I'm very bad with listening in real-time. I would much rather watch recorded videos if I have to listen to someone talking or read a book because I can drift away and pick up from where I left whenever. My entire classroom experience from childhood to present day is now making a whole of sense to me as I think about it. Teachers could only hold my attention for so long as I always drifted away deep in thoughts while managing to look like an attentive student. I do remember being caught looking lost a few times by some teachers though.
In my everyday interactions, I casually zone out if anyone's speaking to me for anything longer than 2 or 3 minutes. It happens every single day of my life and with anyone. It is in no way intentional and it is something that shocks me as well. I put in effort to pay attention and be an active part of conversations but my brain stays fighting against me. I knew this was a problem but it never clicked how much of a problem it was and how much it affects different areas of my life until I began watching Tiktoks about it. I started doing my research on how not normal this is and the other related symptoms.
It's crazy how much relatable content I come across on that app and it reassures me I'm not alone as there are others with similar daily experiences. It also reinforces the knowledge of being different from others and being comfortable with that. Actually, I think anyone who's 'a bit different' kinda knows it because it's your life and it's you experiencing it. There are a lot of labels, diagnoses and conditions that I find too overwhelming and I would rather refer to myself as different.
I think I've had enough diagnoses for a lifetime already and I do not like being defined by these, talk more, getting diagnosed for more stuff. I really hate going to the doctors these days anyway. I admit to myself that I'm afraid to be bound by labels, it is not very pleasant to be associated with something that you feel helpless about because nothing's changing. But at least, labels give you a bit of an understanding of what's going on even when you can't completely wrap your head around it.
Image is mine