"Iran gets a secure location to pursue its peaceful weapons program, where foreign military operations will not reach it. The U.S. removes the materials and processes of concern from Iran. Win-win."
St. Paul, May 2 - Two prominent members of Congress suggested new possibilities in the ongoing tensions over Iran's nuclear weapons program today by proffering portions of their respective residences in Minnesota and Michigan to the Islamic Republic for purposes of protecting the crucial pieces of nuclear technology from attack.
Representatives Rashida Tlaib (D-MI) and Ilhan Omar (D-MN) announced Monday that the leaders of the Islamic Republic of Iran need not take the trouble to excavate and construct new, secure facilities for the centrifuges and other equipment critical to the manufacture of atomic weapons to minimize the danger of American or Israeli attacks compromising the weapons program, because the two Congresswomen have allocated safe storage space in their own homes, in the subterraneous levels of those structures, for the same purpose.
"I believe we have arrived at a credible compromise position that satisfies the demands of all parties to the current set of disagreements," stated Tlaib. "Iran gets a secure location to pursue its peaceful weapons program, where foreign military operations will not reach it. The U.S. removes the materials and processes of concern from Iran. Win-win."
"Israel won't dare attack a facility on American soil," added Omar. "I mean, some people might shout about the USS Liberty or 9/11, and I don't want to deny them their truth, but we all know no arrangement can be perfect. This is probably the best we can hope for. I encourage the president and Ayatollah Alu Khamenei to embrace our proposal to resolve the outstanding issues."
The proposal leave open other questions such as the status of the Islamic Revolutionary Guards Corps, Iran's umbrella group of terror-fomenting, violence-perpetrating, insurgency-funding, arms-supplying, instability-sowing paramilitary, espionage, and sabotage personnel. The Biden administration has floated the notion of agreeing to Tehran's demand that any arrangement include the removal of the IRGC and its regional affiliates from the list of designation terrorist organizations, to much public and Congressional pushback. Omar and Tlaib expressed confidence that the same creativity that led them to their current proposal can also come to bear regarding the IRGC terrorist status.
"Perhaps we can be of analogous service in that regard," explained Omar. "I need to have my staff look at the details of what this might entail, in terms of logistics and cost, but have we considered redefining 'terrorist' to exclude actions directed against Israel? That would exclude like sixty percent of the IRGC's activities, and the rest would just be normal Middle East background noise."
"Also, my basement is indigenous Palestinian land that the Zionists stole," Tlaib insisted.