I try to be positive but let's have some honesty. I don't want to face the day. I don't want to keep on in this reality after life continually beats me down. Anxiety plagues me and depression is a not so pleasant friend I've grown to know well over my life.
I see the beauty in everything. I search for the Sacred each day and continually look for the next ways to improve myself. I look at the world around me and it's overwhelming. Everyone wants your time. Your energy. And quite honestly I can't give it anymore.
Many people don't see it but I am a very angry person. A very sensitive being who doesn't understand how the world is so cut off from beyond the veil. I battle phantoms in my mind but I also am not one to deem them bad. I see my Shadows as my friends and know they're hurting too which is why I've learned to face them head on with the best of my ability.
Writing this down to you, world, is my healthy way of coping. I don't always have the best ways of dealing with my pain... But I also am very aware of what I'm doing, even if it may not seem so to you.
I am overwhelming aware of my faults and cracks to the point of trying to either hide them or polish them for the world to see.
But I'm trying to just... Spill...
I've been in college since Fall of 2012 and here I am in the Fall of 2018 still trying to get my degree. I got my associates in general studies at community college and then transferred to a 4 year university. Originally, I was a physics major but after that first semester I had a mental breakdown and realized I couldn't do it. Now I see numbers and my mind panics... Even doing basic jobs like being a cashier gives me anxiety.
I found my path when I changed my degree to Environmental Studies and life seemed well for a while minus some personal affairs throughout time. I was lucky enough to have family help me out in the beginning of college but by this point I was trying to do it on my own with loans and grants from the government.
I fucked up when I hit chemistry. I withdrew the first time because it was an early class and I have sensitive stomach issues that cause me to be miserable a lot of mornings, so I was skipping class. (Yes I've gone to the doctor and they were basically a waste of the little money I had). The second time, I had ego issues and didn't ask for help. I got serious at the end but it was too late to bring my grade up and I received a D. The thing is, I personally would have dealt with it and moved on but my university required me to get a C or above to take the next Chem 2 and Bio 2... And the issues began...
I was great in all my classes except Chemistry. I fucking love learning... It's why I'm here on this Earth. But fuck Chemistry.
I then took Chemistry again last semester, already feeling guilt for wasting so much money and for not being able to get my mind in the game... I knew this would be the semester. I did okayish throughout the semester. When I saw I was confused on some things I went to my best friend who actually just majored in Chemistry. You may wonder why I didn't get her help before.... Answer? My fucking ego... I felt dumb and stupid and asking for help is so hard for me. I wanted to believe I could do it all alone.
I felt so sure of myself this time going into my final exam. I even finished at a decent time, feeling like I got at least the minimum grade needed. But then I got my result back and nearly bursted into tears. I needed something like half right to get a C or higher (if you got less than half it was am automatic D in your overall grade). Well guess what? I had barely under half... And once again received a D.
I've refrained from talking about it because I feel so much shame in myself. Why can't I get this right? I can write you endless papers on just about any topic you have me research but this shit? Apparently not...
I thought that maybe I could focus on chemistry this Fall and take a lighter load. I realized I needed to have at least 6 credits to get my grants and loan money so I added one class, Intro to Urban Design (for my Urban Studies minor).
Things felt like they were headed in a more positive light... Until now. Now I'm in a hole so deep that part of me wants to just stay here and rot.
I received only a small grant and found out yesterday that my loans got denied. What I never realized before was that those Ds I got still counted towards credit. Basically, I should have failed the classes instead. But because the government saw me as receiving credit for that class already, my 6 credits actually only looked like 3 credits and therefore my loans were canceled. Now I'm in debt to the school for this semester and have no money for books. I was also relying on loans to carry me through my rent and not have to stress about work. Right now I'm only doing 30 hours for two weeks and that's going to be so hard to get by now.
I know I have the option of reaching out to my family but I feel so fucking shameful. I'm going to be brutally honest and say I just want to ditch school and drop out. I love the things I've learned but I honestly want to focus on my art, music, and writing.
But I've also been stuck on this path of needing a degree to get a job in the environmental field... When honestly I don't want that! I want to be free... I want to share with the world... I care about the Earth so much but I don't see myself being on the front lines. I want to be the one to help the world my way. To give back with my own creations... To raise money and give it to people with amazing ideas for a better future.
But if I threw in the towel now, I would have put in all that hard work for nothing. 6 years! That's longer than high-school... I know I can't give up but by the Gods do I want to.... So fucking badly....
I cried so much yesterday. If I had been aware of this credit problem sooner I would have added another class but it's past the date. I'm so afraid to speak aloud today to my family because I don't want to end up in tears. I don't want them to see me as less... I was a fantastic student growing up and here I am now literally losing my fucking mind....
I'm so lost right now. If it wasn't for this outlet, my writing, I might not be here with you in this reality. So thank you for letting me vent.
I'll be fine... I think. I know the Universe is always making us stronger... Life is an endurance test. But fuck, I'm so tired....
Amethyst Midnight