I was talking to a friend the other day and somewhere in the conversation I remember mentioning that I didn't feel much of anything anymore. Something felt off when I said that, not necessarily like a lie, but perhaps not the correct word to express what I meant. I filed it away somewhere in my brain thingy to explore later. Since it's always now, we might as well go ahead and assume that this is later and dive into it.
Upon further reflection on saying that, I started examining whether or not it was true or I believed the statement as I said it. I started examining the things I do feel, which at the time were a mix of joy, anticipation, peace and acceptance. Clearly these are not nothing. These are all good emotions and feelings to perpetuate and put out into the world. As may be apparent, I've also been feeling a lot of love lately and meditating on that as well, but all of this said, why did I describe it as "not feeling much of anything anymore?"
I decided that I'd go with my tried and true method of self-examination and flip the script. What was I not feeling in that moment and what have I not felt much in the recent memory that would create a noticeable absence in my awareness? I decided to compare the situation with previous similar situations and what I felt during those encounters. There were definitely a lot of different feelings and emotions going on in previous engagements, but with mindfulness and greater awareness it becomes clear that the absence of those feelings is not a bad thing.
It's hard to know exactly when everything shifted, but there is a noticeable lack of anxiety and fear in my life now. This has been a long process of getting to this point and so much of the fear, anxiety, and general need to control things slipped away over time as I worked through traumas and learned toxic behaviors. These things used to weigh so heavily on me when interacting with others. There were always expectations or over-thinking and second-guessing all of my words and actions to get an expected outcome. That need to control ran deep and the lack of all of it's symptoms was very noticeable.
In retrospect, it's not that I was feeling "nothing," but that I wasn't feeling all of those negative things that used to weigh so heavily on my awareness. I didn't need anything from the other, I didn't have any urge to control the outcome of the interaction, and I didn't feel any need to convince them that I was anything other than that which I am. Which is just a fellow soul here having a human experience.
With mindfulness it becomes much more manageable to breakdown these flawed beliefs and get to the root of them. I've been depressed before and I'm intimately familiar with that numbness that I'd associate with feeling nothing and having no desire to do anything. I haven't truly felt that in quite some time, but interestingly enough, contentment is a feeling I'm not used to acknowledging.
Honestly, it's pretty refreshing to dive into one of these lessons and not find some dramatic wound that I've been neglecting to acknowledge for most of my life. It makes me happy and as I'm writing this I feel joy. It's noticeable progress in the realm of self-awareness and one more thing to be grateful about.
I've been examining my progress a lot lately. The idea of putting myself back out there and finding the desire to do so kind of took me by surprise. I had to ask myself a lot of hard questions and be honest with myself about where I'm at with my own mental health and spiritual well-being. Can I interact with others without expectations or making unrealistic demands on them or myself? Do I trust myself completely? Can I truly be content going with the flow and just appreciate what is without needing to make it anything that I allow my mind to convince me it should be?
It appears I can now. It feels like one of those things that I've spent so long working on and been so hard on myself about that I never really took the time to examine my progress. All I knew is that in the past, I let my need for control and all of my fears dictate my interactions with others. I knew that I didn't want to ever do that again, so I started working on bettering myself and keeping others at arms length. I do believe it's a lifelong journey and it's something I have to be constantly mindful of to not go repeating those old patterns, but it's hard to even express how grateful I am to reflect back on the progress so far and see how far I've come.
This feels like it's become quite longwinded, but that's okay. It's whatever it needs to be just like everything else. Moral of the story, contentment and peace are not "nothing." They are their own valid and positive feelings and they should not be written off. They are themselves something to be grateful for and to be mindful of going forward. Anyways, if anyone else reads my rambles, thanks for joining me on this journey and I hope you get something out of them. Much love. Peace.