by Haman, son of Hamedatha the Aggagite, Viceroy, Achaemenid Empire
Shushan, March 16 - Of all the rotten luck. I cannot BELIEVE the nasty turn events have taken in just the last hour. What I thought a slam-dunk proposal to the King to hang my nemesis turns out the exact OPPOSITE of what I expected, and now I have to lead my nemesis on the royal horse through the whole friggin' city and proclaim how much the King wants to honor him. Me! The viceroy! Of all the indignities! My fortunes cannot possibly sink lower today.
I was so confident. I had the King's ear. We agreed on the need to get rid of the Jews. He accepted my genocide policy, and even provided the funds to make it happen - when I was prepared to have to bribe him to say yes! We became drinking buddies. We reveled in the prospect of, once and for all, eliminating the scourge of the kingdom from all one hundred twenty-seven provinces of the empire. We even had all the documents drafted and apostilled.
That was three days ago. Nothing could hurt me - everyone feared and honored me, second only to the King! Except that one Jew. That one Jew - he shouldn't matter at all, but he refused to bow, refused to bend. Well, I'll show, him, I thought. It's not enough just to destroy him. I have to get rid of everything he represents, or the shame will haunt me forever. All the Jews must die! It was perfect. The King accepted! Even the Queen invited only me and the King to drink with her! And again today! To go from that to a mere horse-attendant for that same Jew... this day cannot get any worse.
He made me wait while he taught some irrelevant meal-offering procedure to children. Children! I was made to stand around looking like a fool, holding the royal garments. Mordechai claimed weakness from fasting, forcing me to get on my hands and knees so he could climb onto the horse. The humiliation! This is the man I wanted to ask the king specifically to hang! When this procession is over, he'll get what's coming to him! I'm drinking again with the King and Queen! Not languishing in sackcloth and fasting like some wretch.
What's this? No, no - my daughter! Stop! NO! SWEETIE! NOT THE CHAMBER POT ON M-
Ugh. Okay, NOW the day can't get any wor- NO! YES IT'S ME, YOUR DADDY ON WHOM YOU JUST DUMPED THE WASTEWATER FROM THAT UPSTAIRS WINDOW, THINKING I'M ON THE HORSE AND MORDECHAI IS THE DISHONORED ONE LEADING IT, BUT IT'S THE OTHER WAY AROUND, BUT PLEASE DON'T JUMP IN SHAME...
Oh, no. No, no, no...
Things CANNOT get worse from here...
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