Por mi cabeza circulan muchas interrogantes: ¿Por qué te fuiste? ¿Cuándo pasó? ¿Cuánto tiempo seré capaz de soportar sin ti? Aunque debería saberlo, soy incapaz de resolver este buen acertijo, tan real, enmarañado y cruel como la vida misma. Hay preguntas que casi nunca me dejan dormir, y cuando por fin lo hacen, es solo para aparecer en mis sueños. Mientras tanto sigo preguntándome: ¿Volverás? Y si es así, ¿Cuándo?

Al menos estoy convencido de que eres real, que en mi vida estuviste presente, aunque ahora seas parte de mi pasado, al menos así lo has querido. Cada pregunta sin responder me lleva a otra, como un juego de acertijos donde cada duda se hace mayor, sea que le encuentre o no solución.

Y esas dudas que surcan mi mente sin detenerse ni un segundo agudizan más el dolor que siento por tu ausencia. Debo resolver una por una, o tal vez al desatascar la primera, las demás caigan tras ella como efecto dominó. Eso sería maravilloso.

De pronto, como si de un rayo se tratará, aparece en mi cabeza la peor de las ideas, que se expande a medida que intento resolverla. Se convierte en más y más preguntas, logrando acorralar con fuerza cada fibra de mi ser: ¿Y si fui yo quien dijo adiós? ¿Y si fui yo quien en un momento de locura preferí la soledad y el silencio en lugar de la belleza de tu voz? ¿Y si…?

Ya no sé qué pensar. Trato de dejar a un lado ese pensamiento cruel, pero mientras más lo intento más se aferra a mi cabeza. Siento que no podré soportarlo por mucho tiempo. Tendré que hacer los arreglos, sé que se acerca el final. Un final que sin remedio me impedirá esta misión alcanzar. No sé qué hice para merecer este final, aunque quizás sea mejor así, a veces no saber es bueno, ¿cierto?

Si tan solo tuviera más tiempo, si tan solo pudiera ser dueño del tiempo por un instante. Dedicaría cada segundo a encontrarte, a rogarte y suplicarte que me expliques qué pasó. Sé que no es lo que esperabas, que tal vez querías que a tu lado me quedara, o no. Vuelve mi mente a sentir que han jugado con ella. O quizás es ella la que se divierte jugando conmigo.

Tantas ideas rondando por mi cabeza, tantos puntos que no puedo unir por mucho que lo intente. Al menos sé bien que existes, que durante un espacio de tiempo a mi lado estuviste. Y solo espero que, donde quiera que te encuentres, sepas que sigo buscándote. Yo creo que, no, no, estoy seguro de que tú estás esperando por mí.

Ya debo irme, la conclusión a la que he llegado es la que llevaré a mi tumba. La verdad es que no sé si tenga razón en las cosas que he dicho, pero a ellas me aferro porque es lo que me consuela. ¿Qué más diré? Mientras el final me llega solo repetiré en mi mente una y otra vez: ¿existes?, sí, no tengo ninguna duda, ¡claro que existes!

First of all, I'll share part 1 of this post: An Idea. I think that will make it a little easier to know what this one is about. I hope you all like it.

I am a man lost in my thoughts. It doesn't matter if I'm asleep or awake, it's all the same. But today, at last, I bring good news.

It has taken my time, but I have succeeded. I have solved a part of the mystery surrounding your absence. I no longer have any doubt that you were ever by my side. Of course you were! How else could it be explained that I have been alive for so long? Without you, it would be impossible to make it, indeed, I feel that time is running out for me, and so I must find you. But where?

I wish you had left me some clue, like in adventure books, where you can connect the dots or discoveries until you find the treasure. It would be a very good analogy to compare it with you.

Many questions circulate in my head: Why did you leave? When did it happen? How long will I be able to endure without you? Although I should know, I am unable to solve this good riddle, as real, tangled and cruel as life itself. There are questions that almost never let me sleep, and when they finally do, it's only to appear in my dreams. As I continue to wonder: Will you come back? And if so, when?

At least I am convinced that you are real, that in my life you were present, even if you are now part of my past, at least you wanted to be. Each unanswered question leads me to another, like a game of riddles where each doubt becomes bigger, whether I find a solution or not.

And those doubts that furrow my mind without stopping for even a second sharpen even more the pain I feel for your absence. I must solve them one by one, or maybe by unblocking the first one, the others will fall after it like a domino effect. That would be wonderful.

Suddenly, as if by lightning, the worst idea appears in my head, expanding as I try to solve it. It becomes more and more questions, managing to corner with force every fiber of my being: What if it was me who said goodbye? What if it was me who in a moment of madness preferred solitude and silence to the beauty of your voice? What if...?

I don't know what to think anymore. I try to put that cruel thought aside, but the more I try the more it clings to my head. I feel like I won't be able to stand it for long. I will have to make arrangements, I know the end is near. An end that will hopelessly prevent me from achieving this mission. I don't know what I did to deserve this end, though maybe it's better this way, sometimes not knowing is good.

If only I had more time, if only I could own time for an instant. I would dedicate every second to find you, to beg you and beg you to explain to me what happened. I know it's not what you expected, that maybe you wanted me to stay by your side, or not. My mind goes back to feeling like it's been played with. Or maybe she's the one having fun playing with me.

So many ideas running around in my head, so many dots I can't connect no matter how hard I try. At least I know well that you exist, that for a space of time by my side you were there. And I only hope that, wherever you are, you know that I'm still looking for you. I believe that, no, no, I am sure that you are waiting for me.

I must go now, the conclusion I have reached is the one I will take to my grave. The truth is that I don't know if I'm right in the things I've said, but I cling to them because that's what consoles me. What else shall I say? As the end comes to me I will only repeat in my mind over and over again: do you exist? Yes, I have no doubt, of course you exist!