BookBabble #55: "The Pursuit of Perfect" by Tal Ben-Shahar

"How to stop chasing perfection and start living a richer, happier life"

Ah yes, that strive for perfection. As unattainable as that is, that is what many people aspire to and it never ends well. It can't. We can strive for excellence for sure, but nothing can ever be 'perfect' and we need to embrace that…

That's the short version anyway, and Tal jumps into all this and more in the book.

Ben-Shahar is a psychologist and Harvard professor who taught one of the most popular classes ever at that university. He's also the author of the book 'Happier' amongst other works.

Having said that, it turns out there is a positive form of perfectionism in the author's eyes. There's the unhealthy version which borders on neurotic and is just plain bad for all. Then there is the 'healthy' version which he calls an optimalist.

That would be an optimist (in the true sense, not spilling over into delusion territory) and also one who wants to be at their optimal and get the best out of themselves and the situation. They embrace reality and don't try to fight it, but work with it.

Too often the perfectionist (unhealthy) does not face reality and lives in a state of delusion and unhappiness. They will never quite get there.

The optimalist sees the situation as it is and does all they can to make the best of it, striving for amazing outcomes whilst realising they'll never hit perfection.

Let's jump into a few quotes…

Source

Highlights from the book followed by my thoughts…

Abraham Maslow, “By protecting himself against the hell within himself, he also cuts himself off from the heaven within.”

This is one of those paradoxes (or quandaries) where you try so hard to protect yourself from all that's bad, then 'throw the baby out with the bath water' by blocking out much of the good too. You've built a fortress to keep out the bad guys, but then the good guys are locked in.

You need to be open to receive both. You are of course going to minimise the negative all you can, but remain open and receptive enough to invite all the good that's out there. Maybe you take a hit in the process but that's ok. It'll be worth it.

The theory of cognitive disequilibration explains mental development using bricks as a metaphor. Each new piece of information or knowledge that we gain is an additional brick, which we lay on an existing one. The brick structure gets taller over time and eventually becomes unstable. It sways from side to side, loses its balance, its equilibrium, and finally crashes. Disequilibration takes place: the old construction collapses, the bricks fall to the ground, and the wreckage becomes the foundation for a new structure. This foundation is wider than the previous one and thus able to support a taller structure. As we continue developing, more bricks are placed on top of the wider foundation until this structure, too, ultimately becomes unstable. The structure collapses, again a wider foundation is formed, and so on.

This is a fairly long-winded way of saying - if everything fucks up, you will have a stronger foundation from those ashes to build again. Next time, it will be bigger and stronger, and when it comes crashing down once more, so it has improved even further.

Marcel Proust, “We are healed of a suffering only by expressing it to the full.”

You gotta feel it to heal it. It needs to be let through to run its course. Don't dwell forever but do go through the necessary process… and move on.

success—we need to engage in activities that are neither too easy nor too difficult. If we are not challenged enough, we become bored; if our aspirations are overly ambitious, we become anxious.

Exactly, getting that balance right. Reminds me a lot of the book Flow by Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi which we covered in a BoobBabble a while back. Worth a read of that article and/or the book itself.

We need to be challenged and stimulated, but not go too far and it be out of reach and stressful. Striking a nice balance is the key.

Once our basic needs are met—needs such as food, shelter, and education—our level of well-being is determined by what we choose to focus on and by our interpretation of external events.

We all have those basic needs, but after that it's all up for grabs. We have various priorities and desires, and we then choose our focus and reactions.

Cicero pointed out, “Gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues, but the parent of all others.”

It's one of the most important things in some form. We need to be grateful for what we have whilst striving for more. If we can't appreciate what we do have, then it will be very difficult to get more. And actually enjoy ourselves in the process!

As J. P. Morgan once remarked, “I can do a year’s work in nine months, but not in twelve.”

This is about adequate rest. What ol' JP is saying here is that he's good to work hard for those 9 months, but without the 3 as rest, he wouldn't be able to do it. So a full year (of maybe working slightly less) would be tough to sustain as there hasn't been a sufficient rest period, to recharge, incubate ideas etc.

Perfect love is rare indeed—for to be a lover will require that you continually have the subtlety of the very wise, the flexibility of the child, the sensitivity of the artist, the understanding of the philosopher, the acceptance of the saint, the tolerance of the scholar and the fortitude of the certain.

Quite a lot going on there for the old lover! To get and give such emotion is to be an all-rounder and have your shit together in a number of areas.

as Thomas Watson said, to increase our success rate we need to double our failure rate.

It's been said many times and in various ways, but failure is essential. The more we do it, the more success we have. Failure teaches us ways that something doesn't work, so we can start again more intelligently. If we go around avoiding failure then we can't really get anywhere anyway. So, not to be avoided but embraced and sought out to a degree.

Source

Wisdom emerges from the experience of suffering. When things go well we rarely stop to ask questions about our lives and predicament. A difficult situation, however, often forces us out of our mindless state, causing us to reflect on our experiences.

We've touched on suffering in a couple of recent articles. It is essential to be able to feel and obtain the opposite end of the spectrum, as well as teaching us what we need to know for the task at hand as well as deeper virtues.

Suffering leads to wisdom (as painful as the process may be). If things go well, you don't learn much or become much better… and less prepared if things go sideways at some point (which is likely).

Helen Keller, who in her lifetime knew much suffering, as well as joy, noted that “character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, vision cleared, ambition inspired, and success achieved.”

A follow on from the last point. This is where you develop character and other attributes you can't get from reading a book, or from everything going swimmingly all the time. Of course, you don't want to spend your life in a state of terrible suffering, but we can accept and use positively some of that which isn't desirable.

A theoretical understanding of suffering is as meaningless as a theoretical description of the color blue to a blind person.

It's in the real world experience. We can chat about theory all you like and get an intellectual understanding, but out there in the trenches is where you really get to know something. You can't explain 'blue' as such, plus you would need other colours to contrast with, which isn't much use for a blind person.

“for my sake the world was created” and the second slip with the words from Genesis “I am but dust and ashes.”

I think this stresses the importance of who we each are… and at the same time our insignificance. I'm not religious but I imagine that's why I highlighted it due to the paradox of how significant we are, whilst also being just a speck of dust. Body-wise we'll fade away to whence we came, essence/soul-wise who knows…

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can change, and the wisdom to know the difference. —Reinhold Niebuhr

An AA maxim I believe but it's not just about addiction programmes. This is a great quote about acceptance, as well as taking action where possible and needed. It's knowing what's in your control that's important. This point was covered a lot in The Daily Stoic article and is a cornerstone of Stoicism and similar philosophies.

As Carl Rogers pointed out, “The good life is a process, not a state of being. It is a direction, not a destination.”

It's all about the journey man. Well, a bit more to it than that, but the point is, it's all a process of refinement. Which leads to one of the best quotes in the book to finish:

it's not a distant shore we're going to get to, more like a guiding star

Quite. We never quite 'arrive' but we do keep that 'north star' in sight and keep working towards it as best we can.

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Thanks Tal! Anything Else?

Another book (that I haven't read) that should tie in well is 'The Now Habit' by Neil Fiore so worth checking that out too, along with Tal's 'Happier'.

A couple of other points from the book:

Become a benefit finder, rather than a fault finder

Look for the good, the positive, the bright side… not all the crappy aspects. This will have you heading towards optimism and a more positive path which will lead to better results and feeling great.

Play in the stretch zone / Fail more often

Push yourself just outside of your comfort zone. This is the 'stretch zone' that doesn't take you into the realms of impossible, but does push you a bit further than what you are normally comfortable with. 'Failure' has been covered above and ties in.

Many people have psychological injuries

Like fatigue etc. Rest and recovery are important, like in the JP Morgan quote in the highlights section. Of course work hard but don't overdo it, and be sure to have adequate rest and recuperation. It will pay dividends.

Observe the Platinum Rule

Don't do unto yourself what you wouldn't do unto others.

We've all heard of the Golden Rule I'm sure (do unto others etc) but this flips it to not treating ourselves badly if that is not how we would treat another person. Sometimes we're far too hard (and cruel) on ourselves. This wouldn't be accepted by others if we treated them like that, so observe the platinum rule!

This book at its core would say to be an optimalist; as in the sort of person that strives for excellence and the very best, without getting bogged down in unattainable ideals.

There is far more contained as you can see, and stretches out into more aspects of personal growth but that is the central theme that many of us could do with improving.

Worth checking out! And also looking into Tal's other work, as he is at the forefront of much of the positive psychology field of study.

First image my own, others linked to source