Book Babble #17: "Never Split The Difference" by Chris Voss

"Negotiating as if Your Life Depended on It"

What can the FBI teach us about how to get what we want?

A former international hostage negotiator for the FBI offers a new, field-tested approach to high-stakes negotiations—whether in the boardroom or at home.

Back with the BookBabble and we return to the negotiating table with someone who knows a thing or 2 about striking a good deal.

First off, the title. 'Never Split The Difference' gives the air of being hard-nosed and not be willing to budge your position. This isn't actually the case, but more a reference to the common theme of negotiating. That is, offering a figure or position, the other side counter-offering… and meeting somewhere in the middle. However, it can go a lot better than that (and sometimes has to, as we'll find out later), plus leave all sides happy.

The author, Chris Voss worked as a prominent figure in international hostage negotiations and was the go to guy to get people out alive and pay the minimum ransom. He now runs a company based around his professional skills called Black Swan Ltd. That name is significant and we'll touch on it later.

There are over 200 sections quoted, so I'll trim it down to some of the best bits as a lot of it is repeated in various ways anyway. As ever, these are parts that interested me. It could be a different story for you so check these books (and others) for yourself if these subjects and concepts interest you!

The chapters start with a fast-paced story of a hostage negotiation, which is then dissected with an eye to explaining what worked and what didn’t…

Some great quotes from the book followed by my additional thoughts…

our techniques clearly worked with mercenaries, drug dealers, terrorists, and brutal killers. But, I wondered, what about with normal humans?

It's applicable to all. Negotiations exist everywhere and a lot of the skills are transferrable to different situations.

One, separate the person—the emotion—from the problem; two, don’t get wrapped up in the other side’s position (what they’re asking for) but instead focus on their interests (why they’re asking for it) so that you can find what they really want; three, work cooperatively to generate win-win options; and, four, establish mutually agreed-upon standards for evaluating those possible solutions.

The 'simple' (well, straightforward but not easy) steps to a successful negotiation.

They were the economist Amos Tversky and the psychologist Daniel Kahneman. Together, the two launched the field of behavioral economics—and Kahneman won a Nobel Prize—by showing that man is a very irrational beast.

It's been said before and will be said many times again, that we (humans) are irrational and act on deep emotions and evolutionary impulses.

Cognitive Bias

A mistake in reasoning, evaluating, remembering etc.

Framing Effect

An example of cognitive bias where people are influenced by how a choice is presented. This is very powerful and of course used all the time in advertising.

Prospect Theory

A behavioural economic theory. It can explain why we take unwarranted risks in the face of uncertain losses. One such thing being Loss Aversion…

Loss Aversion

People are statistically more likely to act to avert a loss than to achieve an equal gain.

Man, he wrote, has two systems of thought: System 1, our animal mind, is fast, instinctive, and emotional; System 2 is slow, deliberative, and logical. And System 1 is far more influential. In fact, it guides and steers our rational thoughts.

Again, we're looking at different parts of the brain which act in different (and sometimes opposing) ways and inspire certain actions (or lack of). This is a very common theme of 'personal development' type material as it's so fundamental and was also discussed in my Jay Shetty video/article as well as The Chimp Paradox BookBabble.

It was clear: if emotionally driven incidents, not rational bargaining interactions, constituted the bulk of what most police negotiators had to deal with, then our negotiating skills had to laser-focus on the animal, emotional, and irrational.

You have to get straight down to the 'system 1' part of the brain, first and foremost.

What were needed were simple psychological tactics and strategies that worked in the field to calm people down, establish rapport, gain trust, elicit the verbalization of needs, and persuade the other guy of our empathy. We needed something easy to teach, easy to learn, and easy to execute.

This is all great, but it needs to be simple to be teachable and replicable.

It all starts with the universally applicable premise that people want to be understood and accepted. Listening is the cheapest, yet most effective concession we can make to get there. By listening intensely, a negotiator demonstrates empathy and shows a sincere desire to better understand what the other side is experiencing.

This is all that most people really want. The key here would be genuinely listening.

Tactical Empathy

Listening as a martial art. Getting the subtle balance of emotional intelligence and assertive skills required in any situation of influence.

listening is not a passive activity. It is the most active thing you can do.

I believe it was the Dalai Lama who said - "When you talk, you are only repeating what you already know. But if you listen, you may learn something new".

Plus many a person has pointed out the whole 2 ears and one mouth thing ;)

LIFE IS NEGOTIATION

Everything is to a degree. The obvious deals and such but also in the smaller moments. Not that you need to be a psycho about it all but be aware that we are all in positions of influence and being influenced at all times. Build your skills in this area, although it doesn't mean that you have to be 'on' 24/7.

The first step to achieving a mastery of daily negotiation is to get over your aversion to negotiating. You don’t need to like it; you just need to understand that’s how the world works.

Most regular people don't like it at all. Understandable, me neither. That's just what we're faced with and handy to know the dance.

Negotiation serves two distinct, vital life functions—information gathering and behavior influencing—and includes almost any interaction where each party wants something from the other side.

An extension of the last couple of points.

Negotiation as you’ll learn it here is nothing more than communication with results.

Perfect.

In this world, you get what you ask for; you just have to ask correctly.

It's all there for the taking but there's a way to go about it.

this is not another pop-psych book.

Good. And quite correct, not your wish-washy nonsense that does the rounds.

a hostage negotiator plays a unique role: he has to win. Can he say to a bank robber, “Okay, you’ve taken four hostages. Let’s split the difference—give me two, and we’ll call it a day?”

Would you 'split the difference' when your child has been taken? This is a no-lose situation. Ok, most of life isn't this extreme but there are underlying concepts that can apply.

Active Listening

Goes back to the earlier point about listening. Genuinely hearing what's being said (and acting upon it in due course) rather than the 'passive head nod waiting for your turn'.

Black Swan. In every negotiation there are between three and five pieces of information that, were they to be uncovered, would change everything.

Here we have the importance of the Black Swan. These are the underlying motivators that have the most affect, but are often hidden or misunderstood.

Just remember, to successfully negotiate it is critical to prepare.

"Success depends upon previous preparation, and without such preparation there is sure to be failure" ~ Confucius.

one of the reasons that really smart people often have trouble being negotiators—they’re so smart they think they don’t have anything to discover.

Always enter with the beginner's mind.

The less important he makes himself, the more important he probably is (and vice versa).

This is how many hostage takers act and can potentially apply in the wider world. When someone is in charge they often make out there are others they need to speak with in order to reach decisions. On the flip-side, those with no influence often project an air of superiority but they're not actually the final decision maker.

We are easily distracted. We engage in selective listening, hearing only what we want to hear, our minds acting on a cognitive bias for consistency rather than truth.

Our minds are tricky buggers and just trying to get through using the most efficient route.

In one of the most cited research papers in psychology,1 George A. Miller persuasively put forth the idea that we can process only about seven pieces of information in our conscious mind at any given moment. In other words, we are easily overwhelmed.

Exactly. Anything over those 7 pieces have to be filed quickly with the help of our previous experiences. This may or may not be 'objectively' accurate.

The goal is to identify what your counterparts actually need (monetarily, emotionally, or otherwise) and get them feeling safe enough to talk and talk and talk some more about what they want.

Making people feel comfortable and willing to open up. Even if the person is a raging criminal, they need to be heard and then 'talked down'.

SLOW. IT. DOWN.

Rarely do you need to speed up. Applies to all of life and the specifics of negotiation.

Going too fast is one of the mistakes all negotiators are prone to making.

There's a process and a dance to it all. If you rush it, then it could be a disaster all round.

There are essentially three voice tones available to negotiators: the late-night FM DJ voice, the positive/playful voice, and the direct or assertive voice.

Voss tends to favour the 'late-night DJ voice'; which is deep, soft, slow and reassuring. There is a time and place for the positive/playful voice which can also work well. The assertive voice is rarely successful and Voss suggests using sparingly at specific moments (I guess there are different types of 'assertive' too).

This also comes down to your personality as well as that of your counterpart, which he discusses later in the book.

When people are in a positive frame of mind, they think more quickly, and are more likely to collaborate and problem-solve (instead of fight and resist).

Absolutely. It's been said many times and many ways, but it's the best way to get anything done… including producing quality results as well as some joy in the process.

Mirroring, also called isopraxism, is essentially imitation

There are different types of mirroring which can help build rapport with others. Some can be a bit creepy when with body language and may actually backfire as it appears forced or unnatural. In this context, he's talking about words used.

It’s almost laughably simple: for the FBI, a “mirror” is when you repeat the last three words (or the critical one to three words) of what someone has just said.

Again, watch out for the creep factor. Continually repeating back the last 3 words might sound a bit weird, so there's a smooth way of doing it. It shows understanding and builds rapport.

Psychologist Richard Wiseman created a study using waiters to identify what was the more effective method of creating a connection with strangers: mirroring or positive reinforcement.

I'll give you a clue - mirroring trumped positive reinforcement.

We fear what’s different and are drawn to what’s similar. As the saying goes, birds of a feather flock together.

It's very obvious, but a lot of these concepts are. Friends are friends because they have some sort of similar interest(s). We're not about to jump to an amicable conclusion with those we have absolutely nothing in common with.

willingness to change your approach

See what's happening, change your angle.

disagree without being disagreeable

Great saying. You will need to disagree often… but that doesn't mean you have to be 'disagreeable', ie. borderline rude. You can remain positive and state your viewpoint (whilst respecting theirs).

Negotiation is not an act of battle; it’s a process of discovery

It's not a fight to the death. You're two parties coming together to reach an optimal solution for all.

DON’T FEEL THEIR PAIN, LABEL IT

The book gets into labelling. This is where you intelligently and briefly describe your counterpart's situation. It shows understanding… you've been listening, you care, and you're searching for a solution with them.

empathy is “the ability to recognize the perspective of a counterpart, and the vocalization of that recognition.”

A definition of empathy, which is often misunderstood or misapplied.

Every one of us has an inherent, human need to be understood, to connect with the person across the table.

The basics. Easy to forget but all anyone really wants, regardless of the specific situation.

“Yes” and “Maybe” are often worthless. But “No” always alters the conversation.

Yesses can be ambiguous, maybes don't mean anything, but no has a power.

A trap into which many fall is to take what other people say literally.

Observe people's actions rather than words. Also, words are often given as a knee-jerk reaction when there's uncertainty.

“No” is the start of the negotiation, not the end of it.

That's the opener. Not the end of story. Could just be a case of looping back round as Jordan Belfort discusses in Way of the Wolf.

It comes down to the deep and universal human need for autonomy. People need to feel in control.

I think 'no' takes control of the situation from the other person's perspective. They can always adjust from that position if conditions are right, but a 'yes' is far more of a commitment and difficult to wriggle out of. No gives them that control and buys time.

Great negotiators seek “No” because they know that’s often when the real negotiation begins.

The true negotiating hounds actually love the word. For them it's showtime!

I am not yet ready to agree; You are making me feel uncomfortable; I do not understand; I don’t think I can afford it; I want something else; I need more information; or I want to talk it over with someone else.

Exactly. Uncertainty. You need to transfer more certainty to them to move them in the direction you desire.

“What about this doesn’t work for you?” “What would you need to make it work?” “It seems like there’s something here that bothers you.”

Sample questions you could ask.

People have a need to say, “No.” So don’t just hope to hear it at some point; get them to say it early.

Get it out the way. The power and control they need to exert will need to come at some point… if it's done sooner rather than later we can move forward.

There are actually three kinds of “Yes”: Counterfeit, Confirmation, and Commitment.

Yes doesn't always mean yes. Only one of these is the true yes, and that's the commitment.

everyone you meet is driven by two primal urges: the need to feel safe and secure, and the need to feel in control.

Fundamental and important.

Mark Cuban, the billionaire owner of the Dallas Mavericks. I always quote to my students one of his best lines on negotiation: “Every ‘No’ gets me closer to a ‘Yes.’”

It's a process. Separating the wheat from the chaff, if you will.

Have you given up on this project?

A sample sentence to send in an email when you haven't heard back. I've not tried it yet although I have written variations of this.

they go directly against one of society’s biggest social dictums. That is, “Be nice.”

You can be a great person, but you might want to avoid being overly 'nice'. Most guys can probably attest to this paradox ;).

Oh, and by the way, 'nice' in middle English used to mean stupid, which came from a Latin word meaning ignorant. Go figure. Now it's a wishy-washy middle ground word that doesn't mean anything.

Persuasion is not about how bright or smooth or forceful you are. It’s about the other party convincing themselves that the solution you want is their own idea.

Make it the best option for them. Let them draw their own conclusions and reach the decision for themselves. Your task is in getting them there but not in hammering them over the head or being pushy.

Effective Pauses

The use of effective pauses. We all do this naturally but there's a time and a place to keep talking… and time to shut up. A short pause at certain times can have a powerful affect.

“That’s right.”

These are the words you're aiming for! When someone says "that's right" it means they agree with the situation and that they're on your wavelength.

“Sleeping in the same bed and dreaming different dreams” is an old Chinese expression that describes the intimacy of partnership (whether in marriage or in business) without the communication necessary to sustain it.

You've got to sneak a Chinese expression in there somewhere. Make sure you're dreaming the same dreams with your partners, whoever (and whatever situation) they may be.

“no deal is better than a bad deal.”

For sure. Don't just take a deal because you've got nothing better going on. Walk away and leave the space for better things to come. A bad deal could have all sorts of negative consequences.

he wears one black and one brown shoe

An example given in the book of compromise. Again, a time and a place. This guy was deciding on whether to wear the black or the brown shoes. A compromise here might make him look a little silly.

We don’t compromise because it’s right; we compromise because it is easy and because it saves face.

It's the easy way out and people like to avoid confrontation (well, some… some love it). Everyone walks away with their honour in tact. The problem is when no-one gets what they want and everyone leaves the situation unhappy about it.

DEADLINES: MAKE TIME YOUR ALLY

The use of deadlines to make people act. One of the most powerful tactics and necessary. People will always 'come back later', which they may or may not, plus the energy's gone from before. This is saying, "the deal's off the table at this date/time, what's it to be?" This requires action whichever way it goes.

“If you approach a negotiation thinking that the other guy thinks like you, you’re wrong,” I say. “That’s not empathy; that’s projection.”

Empathy it putting yourself in the other person's position. Projection is putting your position into them. There's a difference.

while we may use logic to reason ourselves toward a decision, the actual decision making is governed by emotion.

It's been said many times. Emotion is what drives the beast… logic then helps to justify and back up the emotional urge.

Research shows that people who hear extreme anchors unconsciously adjust their expectations in the direction of the opening number.

Give out an extreme anchor. Meaning you go particularly high/low to set the tone of the deal. The other party won't go for it of course (if they do, you've hit the jackpot!) but it will adjust their range of thinking, ending up with a slightly better outcome for you than with a more 'normal' first bid.

We are emotional, irrational beasts who are emotional and irrational in predictable, pattern-filled ways.

An interesting paradox… there is a method in our madness!

But failures plant the seeds of future success, and our failure in the Philippines was no exception.

Shit went down in the Philippines. Not a desirable outcome to this particular hostage negotiation but what it did do was open a whole world of strategy for future deals. There was a positive result and this situation was actually necessary to make that forward progress.

It’s a “how” question, and “how” engages because “how” asks for help.

"How" engages the other person in collaboration.

Our job as persuaders is easier than we think. It’s not to get others believing what we say. It’s just to stop them unbelieving.

In the TV and movie business this is suspending disbelief (realism). It's not that you believe it fully but that the unbelieving is minimised to open that door.

First off, calibrated questions avoid verbs or words like “can,” “is,” “are,” “do,” or “does.” These are closed-ended questions that can be answered with a simple “yes” or a “no.” Instead, they start with a list of words people know as reporter’s questions: “who,” “what,” “when,” “where,” “why,” and “how.” Those words inspire your counterpart to think and then speak expansively.

The book talks about calibrated questions.

But let me cut the list even further: it’s best to start with “what,” “how,” and sometimes “why.” Nothing else.

'What' and 'how' is where you want to focus. 'Why' can sometimes be used but is a bit accusatory and may make the other party defensive.

The Japanese have this figured out. When negotiating with a foreigner, it’s common practice for a Japanese businessman to use a translator even when he understands perfectly what the other side is saying. That’s because speaking through a translator forces him to step back. It gives him time to frame his response.

Shrewd.

The basic issue here is that when people feel that they are not in control, they adopt what psychologists call a hostage mentality. That is, in moments of conflict they react to their lack of power by either becoming extremely defensive or lashing out.

It comes back to control. We see this everywhere.

“Yes” is nothing without “How.” While an agreement is nice, a contract is better, and a signed check is best.

Until the cheque clears, nothing is a done deal.

Calibrated “How” questions are a surefire way to keep negotiations going. They put the pressure on your counterpart to come up with answers, and to contemplate your problems when making their demands.

They get your counterpart involved, and puts it on them to help find a solution with you.

“I’ll try,” you should get a sinking feeling in your stomach. Because this really means, “I plan to fail.”

"I'll try" is as stinky as "maybe". It means "no", or certainly plenty of hassle.

I believe it was Master Yoda who said: “Do. Or do not. There is no try.”

(A surprisingly high percentage of negotiations hinge on something outside dollars and cents, often having more to do with self-esteem, status, and other nonfinancial needs.)

Money is usually far down the list. It may seem important on the surface but there is far more going on.

In the Chinese martial art of tai chi, the goal is to use your opponent’s aggressiveness against him—to turn his offense into your way to defeat him.

As with a lot of martial arts - the way of thinking in general as much as the 'fighting'.

THE PINOCCHIO EFFECT

People showing clues when they're lying. Ok, their nose may not grow as with the P-boy but the clues are there.

“How am I supposed to do that?”

A question to ask in the midst of a negotiation. I'm not sure as it seems quite direct and adversarial… but looked at in a softer way, you're genuinely asking the counterpart for assistance in reaching your shared goals.

Humor and humanity are the best ways to break the ice and remove roadblocks.

Humour. Always humour.

Any response that’s not an outright rejection of your offer means you have the edge.

Unless there's an outright rejection then the game's still on!

ANALYST / ACCOMMODATOR / ASSERTIVE

The 3 different types of people in a negotiation. See the book for an elaboration, but the key is to know your counterpart to take the right approach. Also 'know thyself' in order to come together in the best way.

The greatest obstacle to accurately identifying someone else’s style is what I call the “I am normal” paradox. That is, our hypothesis that the world should look to others as it looks to us. After all, who wouldn’t make that assumption?

We always think that we are right, and the other person doesn't quite see it. It's a correct assumption in that you are right based on your worldview, brain functioning, and experiences to this point. As are they.

ZOPA—or Zone of Possible Agreement

The range where the negotiation is likely to fall.

Mike Tyson once said, “Everybody has a plan until they get punched in the mouth.”

I just love the quote. Boxers may well have a plan going in to the ring with Iron Mike, but that turns to dust the moment he launches a right jab in the nose.

Danish folk saying goes, “You bake with the flour you have.”

Those Danes. Do the best with what you have. Play the cards you're dealt. Etc.

Threats delivered without anger but with “poise”—that is, confidence and self-control—are great tools.

There's a balance. Threats may be necessary but there's a good way to go about it.

Once you’re clear on what your bottom line is, you have to be willing to walk away. Never be needy for a deal.

Don't sell yourself out. You know where the line is so don't cross it. Plus, the strongest negotiation position is being able to walk away and mean it.

I want to emphasize how important it is to maintain a collaborative relationship even when you’re setting boundaries.

It's not a fight to the death. It's a deal between humans. Set clear boundaries, sure, but it's not necessary to fall out over it.

Taking a positive, constructive approach to conflict involves understanding that the bond is fundamental to any resolution. Never create an enemy.

They're not an enemy. You're in it together. Always be positive and constructive, either if the other side doesn't offer the same courtesy.

“You fall to your highest level of preparation,”

Failing to plan, is planning to fail and all that jazz.

Until the seventeenth century, people could only imagine white swans because all swans ever seen had possessed white feathers. In seventeenth-century London it was common to refer to impossible things as “Black Swans.”

Back with the Black Swans! The unseen. The unknown.

Black Swans are events or pieces of knowledge that sit outside our regular expectations and therefore cannot be predicted.

Not predicted but when they are uncovered are crucial.

These unknown unknowns are Black Swans.

There you go - the unknown unknowns.

It is the person best able to unearth, adapt to, and exploit the unknowns that will come out on top.

Become a black swan ninja.

Focusing so much on the end objective will only distract you from the next step, and that can cause you to fall off the rope. Concentrate on the next step because the rope will lead you to the end as long as all the steps are completed.

One brick at a time. Will Smith had something to say on that.

The reason for that is something called the “paradox of power”—namely, the harder we push the more likely we are to be met with resistance.

It's a delicate dance but when you chase something too hard it tends to run away.

As we grow older, however, our parents, teachers, and friends talk more of what we can’t and shouldn’t do than what is possible.

Poor buggers. I think if you're reading to this point in the article you think a little differently. Go get 'em tiger!

when someone displays a passion for what we’ve always wanted and conveys a purposeful plan of how to get there, we allow our perceptions of what’s possible to change

Of course. We see some 'evidence' and we want on that bandwagon.

It’s not human nature to embrace the unknown. It scares us. When we are confronted by it, we ignore it, we run away, or we label it in ways that allow us to dismiss it.

It's primal instinct again and makes sense during large parts of our evolution. But now… now is a new game.

GIGO—Garbage In, Garbage Out.

Computer term. Take out the trash! ;)

People generally fear conflict, so they avoid useful arguments out of fear that the tone will escalate into personal attacks they cannot handle.

Debates can be useful. Usually people just avoid the whole thing.

You’re going to have to ignore that little genie who’s telling you to give up, to just get along—as well as that other genie who’s telling you to lash out and yell.

Balance. There's a right way to go about things. Both genies are full of shit, but you can take their views on board and act in the best way.

adversary is the situation and that the person that you appear to be in conflict with is actually your partner.

Comes back to collaboration. They're not an opponent so much but more an ally to an amicable solution.

“wimp-win”

This is a term Voss uses near the end of the book. The common saying and desire is of course 'win-win'. Wimp-win is where you kind of wimp out, backtrack and take an ok deal. But you haven't really pushed it. To be fair, I think most of us tend to do this.

never be so sure of what you want that you wouldn’t take something better.

Be open.

Decades of goal-setting research is clear that people who set specific, challenging, but realistic goals end up getting better deals than those who don’t set goals or simply strive to do their best.

We should know this by now but always bears repeating.

Bottom line: People who expect more (and articulate it) get more.

Positive expectation and positive action… yields… positive results. Funny that ;).

Never forget that a loss stings at least twice as much as an equivalent gain.

This ties in with doing more to avoid pain than to gain pleasure. We feel the losses more. This can be used positively at both ends of the table… as well as in wider life.

Thanks Chris! Anything else?

This book is absolutely worth a read and may just give a little nudge of tips and techniques you can use to your advantage.

What I like about it, is it's not just another sales book written by some 'guru' (or wannabe), it's a guy out in the field, battle-tested and at the highest of stakes. You may say that you are not in that position and it doesn't apply to the day-to-day. I would say the opposite… everything is based around these concepts, we're just discussing different levels and circumstances.

I've already had a second reading, so that's a good sign. The second time wasn't as good as I was distracted and took a while, but there is wisdom contained that can help a lot. Remember, we only retain about 10% of the information we consume so always worth going back for more if something is good. The downside is that there is so much material out there, so choose wisely!

And it's all no-nonsense. No airy-fairy fake back-slapping. This guy couldn't mess about during his career and people pay him good money in his current position to not be stroked on the head. And he isn't trying to impress… just offer battle-tested tactics. Do with them what you will.

After all that, I still tend to split the difference. I guess old habits die hard ;)

Next up: Ikigai: The Japanese Secret to a Long and Happy Life. So if all this negotiation chit-chat isn't up your street, stick around for that one as it's a banger!

Read on!

Check out the others in the series…