A Confession
The words "I am Okay..." are my most frequently set of words as an answer to everyone who asks me how I am doing.
I am super cynical and find it hard to trust what people say or even that they care. As a result of growing up with people who were supposed to care but they ended up taking out there frustrations on me and somehow my brain in trying to protect me from further hurt it become a norm to be sceptic.
The problem is I have never talked to anyone about this, the people who resulted in this happening were family members so it has always been a dilemma talking to a stranger if family don't even care.
Deep down it feels me with anguish not being able to trust anyone and just for once say, "I am not okay..." So it is always smiles and laughs here and there but quickly looking for a way to escape and just be alone and just wallow in my sadness.
My friends struggle to try and reach through to me but I keep on putting a façade and continuously reiterating my being okay. But in actuality the pain is just crushing.
I don't want to burden anyone with my troubles, since they too have things going on in their lives, and then here comes cynicism, they won't even care even if they say they care, I doubt they would be there for me, as they say they would.
But I know that probably they do care but since they can't seem to ever get to me they prefer to keep a distance, and I am left believing my a sabotaging belief.
I know that it also hurts those who try to reach out without success, it is very hard to explain why the high walls while I keep on asking the question, "which walls?"
It's is like deep down I don't want to be found, am to scared of being found and then being left I think would be much more hard to handle so how about not let anyone in and avoid much anguish in the future.
I know deep down I need help, help to learn how to let people in, since not everyone is my family member, and I understand they too were and are still dealing with their own demons just coping in an unhealthy way which ended up affecting me more than I can fully comprehend, but I am still learning....
None of us is perfect, so despite the myriad of flaws....
This is a first step to probably letting some people see me for who I am with all my flaws and everything, not freaking out that they too will just end up leaving.
A step towards giving those who say they do care some more credit than I currently do, truth be told they don't have to say that they do but they still did.
A step towards leaving behind my stubbornness behind.
A step towards learning how to trust again.
A step towards a more psychologically fit and well rounded human.
A step towards accepting that even I am worthy being alive.
"But when I am alone, I do not have the effrontery to consider myself an artist at all, not in the grand old meaning of the word: Giotto, Titian, Rembrandt, Goya were great painters. I am only a public clown-a mountebank. I have understood my time and have exploited the imbecility, the vanity, the greed of my contemporaries. It is a bitter confession, this confession of mine, more painful than it may seem. But at least and at last it does have the merit of being honest."
~Pablo Picasso
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